12 and 11- in which EtomyB has a giant effing test on Tuesday but wants to give you Pocket Edward pics anyways

The title of the post basically says it all...

Giant fucking test.

Going to be buried in notes until Tuesday evening.

Pocket Edward thought I should jump on here really quick and give you all some of his favorites from what we like to call "The Archives".

I may or may not have a shit-ton of Pocket Edward pics on my computer.

You figure it out.

*ahem* anyways. On with it.

Plastic vamp + dead stuff = fun

I have more like this, but they are highly inappropriate. Not sure I want to post them on the interwebs.

Pocket Edward <3 sporting goods stores

His only fear: giant men in camo

Nope. They can't.

WIN

Damn straight.

This is a sculpture of POOP. I am not joking. Who needs a joke when the sculpture is SHIT?

This picture just rules for some reason

Pocket Edward is the king of the world

See you Tuesday. Wish me luck!

13- In which Pocket Edward tries his hand at poetry- sort of

Hello again, and welcome to 13 days until New Moon!

Today, I became a bit bored of all of this waiting.

I know. Century-old vampire. You would think I would have more patience. Alas, I do not.

I decided to try my hand at refrigerator poetry.

EtomyB's husband is rather good at it...

He does not know the significance of this. He thinks it is purely an "Edward is gay" joke...

Logically, the first thing to do when approaching a large volume of words in this situation is to get rid of the ones you don't need.

These can go. Forever.

After I tossed out the words I didn't need, EtomyB decided to "help" me.

Behold her "dirty fic words" list:

This list is longer than I am tall. And I stopped her before she was finished.

A little "poem" for EtomyB:

Not anymore!

Once I started writing, it was hard to stop. I dedicate this one to Jacob:

I had to bring several words back from the "toss pile", but it was worth it.

Here's a little ditty dedicated to all the blog readers.

You know it's true.

Last but not least, I created an Ode to Me.

Amazing, isn't it?

What do you do when you get tired of waiting?

Happy 13 days!

14- In which Pocket Edward opens a can of whoopass

Two weeks.

Is it really two weeks from today?

It is.

Two weeks from today, New Moon will be out. Many of you will have already seen it, and will be in the midst of an Edward-at-midnight hangover.

I am a miniature plastic vampire who does not sleep. Bring on the midnight showing!

Now that we're two weeks away from the release, it seems that New Moon merchandise is literally everywhere. One cannot enter a retail establishment without being bombarded by collectibles or other such paraphernalia.

I have noticed a disturbing trend among the treasures.

What is THAT DOG doing on MY MERCHANDISE???

New Moon: Now a cheesy romance novel! Did they add in the words "quivering" and "member" every once in a while?

Those two look like they are about to engage in indecent activities. This is highly inappropriate, and I would most definitely NOT be watching in a ghost-like manner.

*snorting laughter is heard in the background*

Keep your thoughts to yourself, B. Don't you have more Pattinson pictures to ogle?

And NO, I do NOT perform those sorts of acts. That is disturbing.

Where were we? Ah, as I was saying...

Is there really a choice here? Who would YOU rather sleep with, a courteous, loving vampire or a smelly, mangy dog?

Sexually repressed air conditioner or leg-humping heater?

Ba-dum-bum-bum CRASH! (that was my imaginary drum set)

EtomyB, please stop taking over the photo-captioning duties.

Now here is a merchandising decision I can understand.

There are no words. It just brings the funny on its own!

This is all fairly disturbing, but I haven't gotten to the best part yet.

Oh, the suspense...

Bring it, buddy.

A message to Pocket Jacob: You had better stay off of my product and off of my girl. There can only be one alpha male, and in this situation it ain't you.

Oh, and when EtomyB calls you "Pocket JB", it doesn't stand for Jacob Black.

Jailbait.

HAPPY 2 WEEKS!!

15- In which Pocket Edward goes on a reconnaissance mission

Hello, friends!
Welcome to November 5th! Otherwise known as...
15 days until New Moon!

Yesterday, I hid under the couch cushion and allowed EtomyB to post about her triumph with New Moon tickets.

She was scaring me a little.

But now, I have returned in full force to give you what you crave! And that, of course, is me- Pocket Edward.

Today I have a little story to share.

Yesterday, I went on what I like to refer to as a reconaissance mission.

Apparently, a new issue of Vanity Fair is going to hit stores soon. For some reason, EtomyB will not stop thinking about it. So, I took it upon myself to check the store and try to pick something up from the thoughts of the humans working there.

Aren't I a wonderful mini companion?

I made my way to the mall, and promptly became distracted from my mission.

Our kind are easily distracted.

He knows if you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake... He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!

HA. That's not going to happen.

Next career choice: pirate.

After exhausting all career possibilities and photo ops with Santa, I made my way to the only store in this Godforsaken wasteland with a decent magazine selection.

Neverending Robert Pattinson! B would likely call this "Heaven"

Alas, no new Vanity Fair. The minds of the salespeople weren't any help, either.

But I did find some interesting trinkets...

I resemble that remark.


Here's a cause I can get behind.


What a selection!

Unfortunaely, the magazine mission was a bust. However, I did manage to find some interesting things this trip.

I wonder what else I can find in the world of New Moon merchandise...

More on that later.

Happy 15 days!

16- In which EtomyB nearly has to crack some skulls, and then almost dies of joy

Hello, friends!

Welcome back to the countdown!

Some crazy shit went down today. Pocket Edward got so tired of my rollercoaster emotions that he is now hiding and refuses to come out.

FIRST, I was informed that my local theatre, which I did not think would be selling New Moon tickets early, had started selling them on Sunday.

Obviously, I immediately wigged out and tried to determine how I could buy midnight tickets online.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: EXTREME NERVOUS EXCITEMENT

They were sold out.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: HEARTBREAK

I attempted to find another theatre close by.

Sold out.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: SKULL CRACKAGE

At this point, I had enlisted iadorepugs, who was now performing her own search mission.

I was doing all of this internets-surfing and text messaging while in class, mind you.

As soon as my class got over, I found iadorepugs.

She had a screen open on a school computer that saved my life.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: HOPEFUL EXCITEMENT

I made a phone call.

I arranged for a third excited film-goer to add to our party and an apartment to crash at in the city.

The city, 90 minutes from our home, where we are going to drive to see New Moon at midnight.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: SUPER ECSTATIC JOY!!!!

WE DID IT!!!! THE ODDS WERE AGAINST US, BUT THE OBSESSED WILL PREVAIL!!!

Pocket Edward demonstrates- physical evidence!

HAPPY 16 DAYS TILL NEW MOON!!!!

17- In which Pocket Edward decides to have a discussion with EtomyB

Hello again, and welcome to the third of November! If you weren't aware, this blog is currently under the jurisdiction of your friendly neighborhood plastic vampire, Pocket Edward. Please go here if you missed my first two posts.

Our countdown to New Moon has reached 17 days. How exciting! Just over two weeks until that lovely actor playing me graces the silver screen in all of his tortured glory.

All this excitement over the impending release of New Moon seems to have resulted in quite a bit of themed merchandise for sale. I must say, Corporate America appears to be milking this one for all it's worth. Being independently wealthy means that I am interested in the finer things in life, and find promotional trinkets to be of little value at best.

Hmm... normally that would have set EtomyB off. I wonder why she's not threatening to pull off my head and hide it under the couch cushion right now? Her thoughts are filled with sunshine and rainbows...

*glances at EtomyB*

Ah, yes. She's found the new Harper's Bazzar pictures. It appears she is imagining herself as Kristen Stewart in one of them. Interesting.

*turns to EtomyB*

Love, he's not actually asking her to marry him there. And, I hate to tell you this, but you're already married.

*silence*

Wow, if looks could rip a vampire apart and burn the pieces... I would no longer be around.

In any case, I was hoping that I could run things a little differently today. As I was rifling through EtomyB's possessions, I found some things that I thought I should discuss with her.

B, darling? Care to have a discussion with me?

*silence*

Honestly, you would think simply stating the truth would not be taken so badly... I apologize. It was wrong of me to destroy your daydreams in such a crude manner. Won't you please come and speak with me? *dazzle dazzle dazzle*

*B moves to sit at laptop*

PE: That's better!
B: This better be good, Short Stuff.
PE: You question my methods? Of course it will be good.

Last night, while you were sleeping and I was, of course, not, I came across some interesting things.

Were you aware that you own three boxes of candy from last spring?

Of course, two of these have my face on them. But still.

B: I am aware of those. Yes.

PE: Were you also aware that these have never been opened?

B: Yes...

PE: *smirking* I think perhaps you should share that little tidbit with the class, B.

B: *sigh* Ming-reading little... ugh. Fine. There was a fourth.

PE: *smirk still in place* A fourth, you say?

B: Yes.

PE: And?

B: UGH! You little shit. The candy is fucking disgusting.

PE: *smiling wider* So, what you are trying to articulate to your readers is that you did have four boxes of Twilight sweethearts, but they were... less than appetizing, so you never opened the other three.

B: *groaning* Yes, that is what I am saying.

PE: And why, pray tell, are these three boxes still lying around your home?

B: *glare*

PE: I see. Readers, B does not wish to tell you that she kept the candy for sentimental reasons. She is a tad embarrassed to have months-old candy in her possession just for the sake of collecting Twilight merchandise.

B: *evil glare*

PE: I know, you also wish me to tell them that three of the four boxes were gifts. Which one did you purchase yourself, I wonder?

B: Whatever. Conceited bastard.

PE: Wait! There's more!

Recently, you added another box of candy to your collection. This one is displayed proudly on your computer desk.

2 of 3? Is this the only one with my face on it?

B: Yes, that's the only one with your face on it.

PE: Why, thank you for volunteering information, B!

B: *snort* Like you wouldn't pick it out of my brain anyway.

PE: I must ask, B. Have you tasted this candy?

B: No.

PE: Do you plan to?

B: No.

PE: Why did you purchase this, then?

B: Fuck. Because it has your fucking beautiful face on it. Are you happy now?

PE: Yes. Now be a good girl and go imagine that proposal some more. *dazzle dazzle dazzle*

*EtomyB walks off, dazed*

Do any of you lovely readers have any old, disgusting boxes of candy lying around for no good reason?

Discuss. Twilighters fascinate me.

Happy 17 days to New Moon!

18- In which Pocket Edward realizes something important about New Moon

Hello again, faithful readers. Pocket Edward here, on this lovely second day of November, everyone's favorite month of 2009! Welcome back to my countdown to the release of New Moon! Please go here if you missed yesterday's post.

I was somewhat surprised to find that the readers who commented seemed rather unconcerned for EtomyB's welfare, and were instead slightly jealous that she was subjected to my dazzle-powers. For all of my ming-reading abilities (that's Pocket for "mind-reading", if you didn't know), I still fail to fully understand this female fascination. In any case, she appears to be faring quite well.

*turns to speak to B*

Isn't that so, B?

*silence*

Just remember to wipe up the drool when you finish with that Vanity Fair photo I printed out for you, love.

*turns back to task at hand*

See? I am a just, dare I say generous, captor.

Moving on.

Today, I took it upon myself to become more familiar with New Moon, the book. You see, I have never read these novels you all are so enamored with. I LIVED them, and it seems rather superfluous for me to sit through a teen drama-

*yelling is heard in the background*

"Your HEAD is not securely attached, you little plastic mofo! Just REMEMBER THAT!"

Excuse me for a moment.

*whirring of printer*

*silence*

Just give her a new picture and she'll shut up for hours. *ahem* As I was saying! I haven't read these lovely stories because, frankly, they are about me. So, today I decided I should read New Moon before I see it at the midnight showing with EtomyB. (I get to go before her husband does. See how this works? *smirk*)

My vampire speed should make this a quick read. After all, it's no Shakespeare.

Knew this part was coming. You idiot. *sigh* Hindsight is 20-20.

Wait a minute... this Edward-less section is excrutiatingly long.


I can smell that DOG just reading this! What is this tripe?!

THREE HUNDRED PAGES until we even see ALICE???

You can understand my rage, I am sure.
Over three hundred pages of complete drivel, which will no doubt translate into an extended peroid of time in which I will have to endure the presence of the Lautner boy.
Yes, I left. Yes, I was gone for several months. But did that DOG really do anything worth wasting THREE HUNDRED PAGES on?

Talk amongst yourselves. I must go take out my rage on a stuffed dog.