Edward to my Bella

BafL Chapter 8

2010-04-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Go, read and review, make me smile in my exam hell... ;)

Chapter 8

"He frowns at the expression on my face, which I’m sure resembles Hayden Christensen’s at the end of Episode III."

Which looks remarkably similar to this...

LOVE.

Publicness and Shit

2010-04-24T22:36:00.000-07:00

So, some people noticed that this shit went private last weekend. There's a story there... a boring, "holy shit I'm afraid my grandma is gonna see my blog and know I'm really rather dirty and insane" story. Anyway, it's boring (but it's a part of my life... HOLLA ANCHORMAN QUOTES). The point is, I'm pretty sure the storm is over (storm is over, now... eff. I need to quit with my urge to quote shit- R. Kelly, FTR) and so it is now public again.

And so the world rejoiced! Or didn't give a flying fuck. Whatever.

ANYWAYS! I'm not dead. Those of you who read some crazy shit that comes from my twisted brain called Bathrooms are for Lovers should know that the next chapter is currently being beta'd. The one after that is being written, and the one after that is... sorta partially written already... because... I REALLY LIKE IT. I think you just might too.

My life sucks for the next two weeks, and then it is beyond awesome after that. Why the sudden change? This thing called SUMMER MOTHERFUCKIN BREAK. So basically, I'll have BafL chapter 8 up as soon as the betas get done crossing out my dashes and commas and calling me a comma whore and a hyphen junkie, but it's possible that chapter 9 will be another slightly longer than normal wait. This is because I have to pass eight exams in twelve days. Yes, I think that this sucks too, thank you for agreeing with me. Also, one of my betas has to pass the same exams.

So basically, I just wanted to say:
1. If you linked over here/checked the blog/etc during the stint of privateness and went all "Whiskey tango foxtrot??", I am sorry for the confusion. Nobody likes an RL invasion, though.
2. Story posting is happening as life allows for the next two weeks, and then will go back to a more regular posting schedule.
3. I love you.
4. I love KG. (and Cutie)
5. Can I ask you a question? If I were to write a story that is completely different from BafL (i.e., not funny), would you read it? Angsty, strange, complicated and downright fucked up is what we're talking here. 'Cause I swear to (insert deity of choice) it's the best damn idea I've ever had.

SPARKLE OUT <---click that for ROFL

p.s. Content Warning, so I can say FUCK without worrying about twelve year olds. And so my grandma has fair warning if she ever does stumble across this bitch.

p.p.s. my random ass never posted this:

BafL Chapter Six

2010-03-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

What is up???
So... don't kill me on this chapter.

BafL Ch 6: Shit, Meet Fan

Here's the playlist:

ILY!!!!

BafL Chapter Five

2010-03-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... what can I say to get you to read this chapter?

*thinks long and hard*

OH! Got it.

EPOV.

GO.

BafL Ch 5: The Fixer

PLAYLIST, heavy on the PJ:

I'd love to hear what you think.

BafL Chapter Four

2010-03-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

What you will find in this chapter:

Vomit.

Strange but true animal facts.

Shots.

Dirty dancing.

What you will not find:

Jacob.

Link: BafL Chapter 4

Musical obsessiveness:

Best approximation of B's outfit (the slashiness of the shirt should really go all the way to the bottom for maximum whore):

Scissors of Death by etomyb featuring Citizens of Humanity jeans

That's pretty much all. I would die of happiness if you'd read and tell me what you think.

Rob's Sex Stare Melts Panties. SCIENTIFIC FACT

2010-03-05T23:02:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't be left alone with Photoshop. Or a husband who can take really awesome pictures of anything and will do so as long as the task is presented as a challenge.

Yes, Rob. It was good for me.

BafL Chapter Three

2010-03-02T23:53:00.000-08:00

Here we go again, that annoying girl does nothing but pimp her own story...

*points upward* HOW can you resist that boy?? HUH??

Link for Chapter 3:

BafL Ch 3

Musical Obsession:

Random Facts (feel free to skip this if you don't give a fuck):

- something about this chapter is so close to my heart, I have it tattooed above my asscrack.

- I. LOVE. GRUNGE. Vedder fangirl.

- much of this chapter was written in the middle of the night, thus, I thought I was hilarious. We'll see how that goes over.

- annnnd . . .

BOTHERED.

LOVE!!

WATCH THIS

2010-02-26T15:49:00.000-08:00

The maker of this video is a goddamn genius.

Frick, I need to watch Twi now.

And/or screw Robward.

You know, if he's available.

God dammit.

*watches Twi*

BafL Chapter Two

2010-02-24T09:30:00.000-08:00

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone that reviewed Chapter One!! You made me feel like Mary Katherine Gallagher at the end of Supastah. I love you hard!!!

Finally, I've reached 100 followers!! All it took was posting fic. Imagine that.

So, I've decided that Wednesday is lovely day for weekly chapter posts. I made this decision for two reasons: a) I'm pretty sure I'll always be able to swing it, unless life kicks my ass, and 2) Wednesdays suck balls in my world and could use a ray of sunshine, which is what posting Chapter One provided me.

Chapter Two is sort of like my child. I would be very happy if you reviewed it.

Here's the link:

BafL Chapter 2

Some things:

Playlist. Most important is Hole's "Celebrity Skin." I ROFL when I play this and think of Edward. A couple of the other songs will be important to the story in a big way, and I bet you can figure those out on your own. Thanks to Iadorepugs for finding the perfect party entrance song and suggesting an additional Bret Michaels joke, complete with its own anthem.

Bella's outfit, Copyright 2010 EtomyB, all rights reserved. I'm wearing my lumberjack shirt as we speak.

Lumberjack Prostitute by etomyb featuring American Eagle Outfitters

Please laugh your asses off. Edward does vodka shots for reviews.

uh... I'M WRITING FIC

2010-02-21T20:10:00.000-08:00

Oh. my. fuck.

*shakes nervously*

I AM WRITING FIC.

Secret Projects Revealed!!

Here is the link:

Bathrooms are for Lovers

Don't go there if you're under 18.

Here's some shit you may want to peruse as you read:

Serial Overdresser by etomyb featuring Purplow ties

ACK!!! I AM NERVOUS!!!

Frat Parties are Fun After All: How I Stole RobQ

2010-02-20T17:00:00.000-08:00

The precious...

So, I have a funny story that makes me look like a crazy person. I was just thinking about how everyone seems to love it when I look like a crazy person, so I thought I would share.

Backstory that may be helpful: My husband is in a professional fraternity. This means that he is basically a 19-year-old frat boy in a 28-year-old married man's body. He just joined said fraternity, and made me go to a frat party with him on Thursday (yes, Thursday).

So, I went to this frat party, not expecting to enjoy myself at all. Frankly, I expected to be annoyed as hell. That didn't end up happening. The following is a recounting of true events, no matter how unlikely they may seem.

Also, you should know that I did not own RobQ previous to this event, and one of my life's goals has been to own it.

Cast:

B: EtomyB

E: EtomyB's husband

T: Frat brother, party host

J: Frat brother, drunk ass

Scene 1: Everyone sits around a table, playing Kings. B is loving her life because she just screwed everyone else over during I Never by referring to their shared major. Her rubbing alcohol drink is making its way through her system at an alarming rate.

B: Where's the bathroom?

E: Over there. *points*

B: Ok. Excuse me! *shoves past people*

B finishes up in the bathroom, and before exiting, she happens to notice that T has a very large pile of GQ issues on a shelf in said bathroom.

B's brain: Hmm... I wonder...

*scans down stack of magazines*

B's brain: Johnny Depp, yeah, yeah... Zefron! Ooh!... Oh, he probably doesn't have it, it's old...

*reaches very bottom of stack*

B's brain: O. M. G.

B (out loud, alone in bathroom): SQUEEE!!!

*hand shoots out to snatch RobQ from bottom of pile*

Several minutes later...

Partygoers outside bathroom: Where's B? She needs a NICKNAME!! *excited chatter about fraternity nicknames*

B: *shakes head* Where am I...? Oh, crap. *hides RobQ at bottom of pile again*

*exits bathroom to shouts of her new, stupid nickname*

*plops onto couch next to E*

B: E. GUESS WHAT MAGAZINE T HAS IN THE BATHROOM.

E: Um... Playboy?

B: No, stupid!! *reverent voice* GQ.

E: So? .... Oh, crap. What's in it? Do I want to know?

B: GET IT FOR ME. I'm going to steal it if you don't.

E: I'll ask.

Scene 2: The party is winding down and everyone is getting ready to leave.

B: I am serious. I will go all kleptomaniac on his ass if you don't get T to give me the magazine.

E: *laughs* I'll ask him!

E retrieves RobQ from the bathroom and locates T.

E: T, would you mind if I commandeer this for my wife?

T: What? Wait- who is that guy?

B: *jumping up and down behind E* It's MY BOYFRIEND!!!

E: It's Robert Pattinson.

T: *laughing* Let me make sure there's no hot girls in here... *flips through magazine, then hands it over*

B: *squeals*

E & T: *eye roll*

Scene 3: E, B and J are outside, as everyone is leaving.

J: Hey B, why did you say you were a klepto?

B: I stole a magazine.

E: I stole the magazine for her.

J: You stole a magazine?

B: For my BOYFRIEND!!

J: *laughs* So you only steal for your boyfriend?

B: *nods*

E: I only steal for my wife.

J: Dude, you stole for her boyfriend.

B: *nods vigorously*

E: ... Dammit.

Yes, folks, that is my life.

Some of the frat boys are coming over tonight. I wonder what they'll think of my TwiShrine?

I'm telling you what to do again.

2010-02-20T16:48:00.000-08:00

Guess what you should do?

Follow iadorepugs' new blog! She's gonna be putting all her fics up there. I made her a banner inspired by the plot bunnies who hide Easter lemons in her brain.

Go and follow her while I work on my secret project.

You will be the first to know when it's ready to unveil.

100th Post- BUY THIS BOOK

2010-02-05T18:08:00.000-08:00

Sigh... *lets go of anal tendencies* I'm at 95 followers. That's close enough to 100.

This is my 100th post!

And, I am using it to tell you what to do.

BUY THIS BOOK!!

Coming to stores near you mid-February!

Laura Kreitzer is a brand-new author. Shadow of the Sun is the first book in her Timeless Series. If you like the Twilight series (uh... if you don't, what the hell are you doing here??), you'll love this.

Go here for more info!

Happy reading!

p.s. I have secrety secret projects occuring. Only two people are privy to all the new shit (NAME THAT QUOTE!!) That's all I can say for now. ;)

Twiphone.

2010-01-30T11:54:00.000-08:00

This is my phone.

Look closely, I spent an inordinate amount of time on detail here.

p.s. iScarlet is my codename. iLola is my phone soulmate's codename. She gave me the idea.

p.p.s. this is my 99th post. I have 92 followers. I refuse to post my 100th post until I have 100 followers... *anal tendencies*

So... EIGHT LURKERS NEED TO FOLLOW. Please? ;)

Craft Project: Make your own CW&IA "Masen" Hoodie

2010-01-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

image from CW&IA author Hunterhunting's blog
I've gotten a lot of comments and questions about my Stoli shirt, explained in this post.
I've also inspired a lot of ladies to create twi-related awesomeness.
This makes me happy.
In particular, it seems I inspired something completely unexpected from my genius friend Jessica Pattinson, also known as JPattz.
This is so totally awesome that I felt the need to share it here, and asked her if she would write a little how-to on it's creation.
Everyone knows Tattward is one of the hottest 'wards you can get, and everyone also knows that Clipped Wings and Inked Armor is the best Tattward fic there is. If you don't know this, go read this and come back after you recover from the fuckhot. DON'T CLICK THAT IF YOU ARE UNDER EIGHTEEN. kthanx.
*waits for anyone who needs to read it*
Okay, I'm giving the floor to the fawesome JPattz for the explanation of her brainchild.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the “make your own Stoli shirt” post found me running off to my local craft store for the needed supplies. As I’m perusing the iron-on aisle at Michael’s my eye caught the shiny twinkle of some pretty cupcake appliqués. And my fanfic inflicted brain’s train of thought goes something like this… CUPCAKES! TATTWARD! MASEN HOODIE! WANT ONE! Well, what do you know? The iron-on letters needed to make said hoodie are RIGHT HERE. Conveniently placed next to the printable iron-ons needed for my fawesome Stoli shirt. But, wait! What does that Masen hoodie look like again? It’s easy to forget those small details when you’re focused on peen piercings and hot as fuck car-hood sex.
So begins the frantic texting to my also addicted fanfic twi-friends. My wonderful friend B went through 12 chapters of said fic to find the description for me!
Excerpts from text conversation:
- JP texts about Stoli shirt creation -
JP: Where did u get your iron on stuff?? :)
- discussion of possible stores -
JP: Going to michaels then!!! I'm making hubs one too! I'm turning him into my personal rob.
B: Oh you are win!! I am turning mine into Edward slowly but surely...
- discussion of husbands wanting to work out, JP's wanting to look like Volterra Rob and B's wanting to look like Taylor -

JP: In CWIA what color is the masen hoodie? Do u know?

B: I want to say blue... I can find out if you like!

JP: Yes please! I'm gonna make one!

B: Omg that is too awesome. I am looking

-B searches story (FYI, the description is in chapter 12) and finds out that it is in fact black-

JP: YOU ROCK MY SOCKS!! You have a special valentines present coming your way! THANKS!!

B: Ooooo!!! *jumps for joy*

-end text recap-

What could I do to repay my favorite research assistant? Well, make her a Masen hoodie too! Only seems fair… So here’s what you need to make yourself the proud owner of you very own Masen hoodie:

Plain black zippered hoodie sweatshirt (got mine at the local Walmart)

Red iron-on letters (from Michael’s, of course! Where said hoodie epiphany happened)

Hot dry iron

Ironing board

Cotton press cloth (I used a kitchen tea towel)

Follow directions, and PRE-WASH your sweatshirt. I know. The waiting to make your beloved Masen hoodie is not fun. Entertain yourself by re-reading your favorite parts of CW&IA. When the sweatshirt is washed and dried place it on your ironing board (or other hard, heat resistant surface) and arrange the hoodie as it would lie when you are wearing it. You want to make sure you’ll be able to see the Masen, right?!? Then simply follow the directions as listed on the back of the iron-on letters package. It was pretty easy, even for me – the very non-crafty person that I am. Then you can proudly wear your Cupcakeward hoodie and grin evilly and shrug when people ask you what the “Masen” stands for.

Happy crafting!

Yes, you're my Edward. Now, about fanfic...

2010-01-24T18:26:00.000-08:00

So, my weekend has been interesting.

Overly emotional and involving too much booze, yes. But interesting nonetheless. I thought it was blog-worthy.

Get ready for story time, children.

Saturday: I slept in and spent my late morning reading fic. I then began working on something I've been wanting to do for quite some time- a new banner for the blog. (see above) My weekend was shaping up to be quite relaxing and lovely. Soon, my friend texted me about going out to the bar that evening. Of course I wanted to go out to the bar! (hindsight: bad idea.) So there I am, happily plugging along in Photoshop with my new banner and mentally going through 80's night outfits, when my weekend takes a turn for the... well... strange.

Enter the husband, who I refer to as "E" sometimes in these little scenes... this is important right now, trust.

(A little background info: E did not know the title of this blog, nor what the screen name EtomyB meant. This was for my own little self-conscious protection, and yes, I am speaking in past tense right now. Moving along.)

E: What are you making?

B's brain: Fucking shit on a stick...

B: NOTHING.

E (*crooked smile*- YES THE FUCKER DOES THAT) : Come on.

B's brain: melt... melt... NO!! RESIST!!!

B: NO WAY!!

E: Come on, show me!

B: NO NO NO NEVER NO NO NO

E proceeds to pretend to give up, trying to sneak looks at B's laptop screen whenever possible for the next 5 minutes.

B: FINE, if you must know, I am making a new banner for my blog. I don't want to show you because then you'll know what it's called.

E: I'm not going to read it. I'm pretty sure I know what it's about, so I have no interest in reading it. Just show me.

B: That's not the reason I don't want to... I know you won't read it, ass.

E: I will if you want me to.

B's brain: OH MY HELL.

B: Uh... NO.

Several moments pass in silence, and B begins to feel bad.

B: Fine. Come look.

E jumps over to the couch.

E: Edward to my Bella? Is that about ME?

B: *dies*

B: Fucking hell. Thus, didn't want to show you.

E: It's fine, I mean, I like your banner... blah blah blah... has now been tuned out by B's miraculous blocking mechanisms

B proceeds to ignore her husband in an attempt to protect her fragile pride while she goes through outfit after outfit for the bar and posts totally emo facebook updates.

An hour or so later:

E: What's wrong?

B: Nothing.

Fast forward through B's girly refusal to tell him what is wrong... let's get to the point

B: You made fun of me.

E: What? No I didn't...

Fast forward through B's refusal to admit that he didn't actually make fun of her...

E: I wasn't making fun of you. I kind of wish it was about me. Sometimes I think you like Edward more than me, so it was kind of... flattering.

B: Well you said... wait. WHAT??

-B's head explodes-

After she recovers from the aftermath of head explosion, B realizes she was kind of being a douche and decides to do something about this once and for all.

B: Seriously, you would be flattered?

E: yes.

B: *Cheshire Cat grin* REALLY?

E: yes!

B: Okay. The title is about you. I talk about you a lot...

E: *suddenly very interested* Yeah?

B: Yeah.

E: Are all your Twilight friends jealous?

B: Yes.

E: Are they jealous that I'm an awesome tattoo artist?

B: Yes, you know this.

E: Are they jealous that I'm a genius architecture major and fine arts minor, and an awesome amateur photographer?

B: um... I don't really put personal shit on the blog like that.

E: *pouts*

B: Okay, apparently you want me to.

E: *grins*

B's brain: concieted motherf...

B: So now, you have to tell me if you want the red pill or the blue pill in relation to my Twilight shit.

E: Uh... well... I don't know about the red pill. I like talking about Twilight about as much as you like talking about my shirts.

-intermission-

I would like to take this moment to explain that E is obsessed with clothing. ESPECIALLY dress shirts and cuff links. I was unaware that there was so much to discuss on this subject. All you really need to know is that he pretty much dresses like this on a regular basis:

I KNOW, right?? No wonder I almost had to bust a cap in some hoes last night.

Also, the man can TALK. So even though dress shirts are far more interesting conversation fodder than, say, guns (which he also converses about often), it gets a bit old after a while.

Anyway. I digress.

-resume scene-

B: That's not what I mean. Just, like, you ask me what I'm reading sometimes and it would take about an hour if you wanted to actually understand... or I could just say NOTHING.

E: Don't say NOTHING, but I don't need an hour-long explanation.

B: Okay. That's my red pill, then.

-end scene-

So he's taken the red pill, and the rabbit hole is really, really, reeeeeaaaaaallllly deep. Whenever he asks about shit, I'm just gonna tell him, and he better not laugh at me. Oh God.

The shitstorm of crazy doesn't end there, though. Remember how E is obsessed with clothes? He's also obsessed with his hair. He's also growing it out after endless hints to that end. And he sees going out to the bar as an occasion to get nice and dressed up.

He looked freakin' hot last night.

My friend came over and told him it was douchey to wear a tie to the bar, but I whined that I liked it, so he told her "USURPED!" (long story) and left it on.

I should've listened to her.

We get to the bar, already several sheets to the wind due to our extensive pre-funking. I was dressed like Madonna. The night was goddamn STRANGE in every way possible. I was still pretty emotionally retarded from earlier, and now also wasted. Strange events:

- I am better at the Thriller dance than everyone. This is just a fact of life.

- Some dude said something to my friend that ticked her off- I don't even remember what it was- and she and I proceeded to "dance-elbow" and pretend kick him for, like, half an hour. He shouted in my ear that he still loved me.

- Random hat-wearing guy asked me to dance, though I couldn't even hear him, but my friend could. I told this to the hubby and he told me "go do it!" I was angry. He thought he was trying not to be a jealous asshole. I wished he would be one.

- Goddamn freaking whore yanked on my man's tie and pulled him over to dance with her. I saw red. I kneed him in the balls when he came back over, then I cried. Then my friend cried. I should have done what I really wanted to do, which was rip the slut's head off.

-Friend and I sat on the curb waiting for our taxi, still crying, while some lameass in a Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt and blue and black striped tie proceeded to give the friend twenty dollars just for existing. He then regaled her with tales of his fortune. She still went home with me.

- We all got into the cab, finally. Cabbie asked how our night was. Hubby said "Long and arduous". Cabbie was not aware that arduous was a real word.

WOW, cabbies are smart.

Anyways, my life is ten shades of crazy, and now the husband knows things that I never, ever wanted him to. Oddly, it's a good thing.`

Lessons learned:

If you have an awesome husband, he probably will like you even more if you open up to him, not less.

Don't drink and be emo.

Hot husbands can backfire.

Good friends talk to you when you're upset. Great friends cry with you and yell at your husband in front of Spongebob, and then tell you to "go make out with him so it can be like a movie".

Typing this out has been therapeutic. I hope it's somewhat entertaining.

LOCK UP THE BOOZE AND TAKE MY PHONE AWAY

2010-01-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

This is an emergency.

photo from referenced article at people.com

Sooooo... Haiti, right? That SUCKS. Yes, yes it does. Lots of people are doing lots of awesome stuff and donating lots of money to help these poor people. You've all heard this. It's really great what people are doing, even among the Twilight community alone. I respect the hell out of them and I love how fanfic writers and bloggers are all coming together and making great things happen.

I am, however, not one to be serious for very long, so please bear with me while I FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

I heard this rumor that Mr. Pattinson (if you're nasty) was gonna be gracing my television for a Haiti telethon tomorrow. HOW SWEET OF HIM. "I shall have to tune in to melt at the sight of his gorgeous face being all generous-and-concerned", I thought.

AND THEN, I heard this OTHER rumor (because apparently my brain is incapable of connecting the dots of "telethon + Rob probably means Rob is talking to people on the phone to take donations", nice job, brain cells) that HE IS GOING TO BE ANSWERING PHONES.

My brain: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- deep, calming breaths -

Okay, but IS THIS TRUE????

UP, UP, AND AWAY, ALL-KNOWING GOOGLESEARCH!!

2398742138569813456238145623 results for "robert pattinson haiti" later, I found the above-linked article (and photos of The Pattz next to Grizzly Pitt, no less) stating that IF one calls in to said telethon, one MAY have the chance to speak to ROBERT FREAKIN PATTINSON.

Inner 13-Year-Old: *faints*

Rational Adult buried somewhere inside, far, far behind Inner 13-Year-Old: Uhm... will anyone actually get around to donating money? 'Cause really...

So, yeah. Rational Adult thinks it would be highly disrespectful to call when I KNOW I am in no way a Serious Donater, even though I'm sure I could totally scrounge up a couple of bucks.

Inner 13-Year-Old is still shaking.

PLAN:

1. Someone needs to beat feet over to my house and LOCK AWAY every drop of alcohol in my kitchen. Don't forget the stash in my bedroom.

2. I think... it would be best... if someone could take care of my iPhone for awhile. *sobs* Please keep it safe, and tell it I love it.

3. Now that I feel EVEN GUILTIER about not donating money, I'm gonna have to figure out where (BESIDES THE FUCKING TELETHON) I should donate what little I can afford.

4. DO NOT, under any circumstances, let me borrow your phone.

Would you like to know WHY I am placing all these rules upon myself (besides the can't-donate-I'm-poor-OMGROBLETMEGIVEYOUMONEYTOHEARYOURPRETTYVOICE-guilt)?

A hypothetical, but very likely accurate, rendition of what may happen if EtomyB is allowed access to phone lines and alcohol this Friday evening.

Scene: EtomyB sits at home, texting with friends about her excitement of seeing Rob on TV soon. She glances into the kitchen.

Vodka bottle: You know you want to drink meeeee... Liquid courage...
EtomyB: HA! NEVER!!
Vodka bottle: C'mon, you know you want to call... and you'll never be able to without me....
EtomyB (in a weak voice): Nooooo... mustn't...
Vodka bottle: *sits silently on top of fridge*
EtomyB: FINE!!! FUCK!!!
*swigs Liquid Courage straight from the bottle*
---------------------------------------------
Several shots later

*calls telethon*
*miraculously gets put on the phone with Rob, likely so that God can mock her*
Rob: *says something professional about accepting donations for victims with a cheerful greeting*
EtomyB: ..........................................................................................
Rob: Hello?
EtomyB: Uh..... ROB????
Rob: Yes, I-
EtomyB: OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!! HUSBAND!!!! IS THERE ANY WAY FOR ME TO RECORD MY OWN PHONE CONVERSATION??? GET OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!!!
Rob: Um, so, about the-
EtomyB: GOD DAMMIT I AM TALKING TO MY BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW!!!! HURRY UP!!!! (yeah, I refer to Rob as "my boyfriend" to my husband and non-Twi friends... INNER 13-YEAR-OLD)
Rob: Uh...
EtomyB (breathless): ROB!!!! Sorry, that's just how he knows you... Oh Jesus Christ on a cracker. Holy shit... Um... fuck. What's up?
Rob (undoubtedly chuckling): Um, not much, but really, we should talk about-
EtomyB: HOLY CRAP. Can you please laugh again??
Rob (more than a little creeped out): Are you drunk?
EtomyB: HANG ON, I just need to figure out how to record that and make it a ringtone... I mean, shit. shitshitshit.... Fuck, I mean... I love you.
Rob: You are drunk, aren't you?
EtomyB: I mean... I made a Stoli shirt.

*muffled conversation*

Brad Pitt: Hello, this is Brad Pitt. Maybe you would rather make a donation with me?
EtomyB: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAD!! You look like a douche with that dead animal on your chin. Can you put Rob back on? I really want to fu- I MEAN, GIVE HIM A... DONATION.
Brad Pitt: No, I don't think that will be possible...
EtomyB: COCKBLOCKER! I loved you in Inglourious Basterds, but your accent SUCKED ASS.
Brad Pitt: Miss, if you're not going to donate, I'll have to hang up.
EtomyB: I can't even... I don't know where my credit card is. Can you just tell Rob I love him, and we have the same phone? Okay? Because I think that means we are soulmates.
Brad Pitt: Uh, sure. Um... drink some water, honey. Have a good night.
EtomyB: DO YA LIKE DAGS???
Brad Pitt: What? Did you just do an impression of me as a Pikey?
EtomyB: .... I love you. But not as much as ROB!!
-line goes dead -

So, who wants to take my phone away?

Craft project: make your own Stoli shirt

2010-01-14T16:11:00.000-08:00

I'm going to go ahead and take a wild guess that you like this guy.

No? How the fuck did you get here??

Anyways. You love Rob, I love Rob. You love the Stoli shirt, I love the Stoli shirt. So I thought, since we have so much in common, you might like to know about my latest craft project, and how you, too, can be super-duper-awesome.

(you already are, but that's beside the point)

*ahem*

Step 1. Purchase a blank t-shirt and a package of printable iron-ons. I was able to get both of these for under $10 total.

Step 2. Download the below image, which I have kindly enlarged and sharpened, and print the shit on your iron-on.

Step 3. Follow the goddamn directions on the package, for God's sake. Don't be impatient like me and nearly ruin your shirt, have to scrape the crap off, and redo.

Step 4. Find your favorite flannel, hoodie, beanie, or all of the above and hope like Hell you see Rob and he falls desperately in love with you.

Okay... maybe he'd be creeped out... but it's fucking cool anyways.

Happy Crafting!

going crazy on photoshop

2010-01-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

So this is what I've been up to lately.

Making a ton of shit which I like to call art...

I will likely be even scarcer (is that a word?) around these parts now as school is starting back up tomorrow. But I do always LOVE creating stuff on Photoshop. I'll be around. ;)

Anyway, here is a prettydump for ya!

READ THIS BOOK: Shadow of the Sun

Coming soon to a bookstore near you.

The author kindly allowed me to create some art for her.

all copyrights are belong to ME for once... well, and Laura. The shit's original, yo! That's my eyeball... well, it used to be.

I made some pretties for my lovely FB buddy, who calls herself Jessica Pattinson:

because she is special, and helps me to find the best images of Stoli labels when I really, really need to make myself a t-shirt.

Then I became obsessed with creating wallpapers.

This is mine, oh how I heart it:

pretty... sparkle... oooooooooooooohhhh

I created this for iadorepugs because we think certain ZZ Top songs are about Rob:

ain't that the truth...

Anyways, love you. Wish me luck in my shithole semester.

Edward and Bella Barbies: A Review.

2010-01-06T17:22:00.000-08:00

Hi.

So I ordered the Edward and Bella Barbies from Amazon, because a) they seemed like something my collection desparately needed b) I had Christmas money c) I am retarded and d) Amazon had them for cheapies. Well, Edward anyway.

What follows are my first impressions after rescuing them from the freezing parcel locker this afternoon.

Because you definitely need to know what I think.

Fuck it, I just want to tell you.

BELLA: Plastic Whore Extraordinaire

Yes, I said that. Why?

Look, my knees bend and my legs open reeeeeaaaally wide so I can ride ~~you~~ on your back through the forest!! I mean... that's obviously the reason... since Edward has neither of those moveable joints...

*giggle* Look what I'm wearing under my jacket! NOTHING!! I don't even come with a shirt!! YAY!! Boo you whore.

Her lack of shirt inspired a photo-op...

It's MorningAfterella! Shirtless Edward sold separately.

Sluttiness aside (which, let's face it, is not necessarily a bad thing), here's what I do and don't like about Bella Barbie.

Likes:

Her hair is lovely.

Her outfit is pretty accurate, minus the fact that she doesn't have a goddamn shirt.

Her knees bend... *snort*

Dislikes:

She doesn't have a fucking shirt. SRSLY. Is it that hard to make her a goddamn shirt??

Her elbows don't bend. How is she supposed to grasp Edward around the neck while riding him through the forest... um... *snort*

She has a built-in chastity belt. Okay, that's not a dislike per se, it's just freaking hilarious. "Look, I'm shirtless, baby! HAHA J/K no nookie for you"- Dude, it's Teasella!

EDWARD: Sparkledoucheward

I can't help it, he's a d-bag. No wonder he was on sale.

Behold the douchebaggery:

That has got to be the lamest haircut known to man.
WAIT... it gets worse!

Doucheward.

He may have the douchiest hair on the planet, but he's not all bad. You may not be able to tell from the picture, but he's sparkly!

I dazzled Bella so much she forgot to wear a shirt. *smug smirky face*

You're probably wondering if all of him sparkles. I know I was... so of course I checked.

The answer is "No, but the important parts do."

He may be "flat in front like Ken", but at least it's sparkly ;)

Likes:

Sparkle-sparkle-sparkle from head to... yep!

His outfit is fairly good. At least he has a motherfucking shirt. (Bitter much? Yes.)

Dislikes:

DOUCHEY. HAIR.

Hardly any moveable joints. How's he supposed to... well, do anything?

Oh, Doucheward... maybe a haircut is in order.

Anywho, to conclude my craziness for the evening, I must inform you of my mission:

Operation TwiBarbie Wardrobe.

Bella must have a goddamn shirt.

Edward must have a Stoli shirt, black beanie, and some freakin lowrider pants. heh heh heh...

These things will happen if it is the last thing I do, and there will be photographs.

EtomyB out.

Fic you are going to read (dammit): Wicked Angel

2009-12-30T18:20:00.000-08:00

I just finished making this fawesome (if I do say so myself, and I do) banner for a story whose prologue will be posting late tonight.

This is not anything you have ever read before in fic.

It is evil.

It is fucked the hell up.

It is fucking awesome.

It's a collaboration between six authors, including two whose stories I know and love:

Iadorepugs

Robicorn

and one who has her own original book at the publisher as we speak!

(I would include everybody else's fanfic pages if I knew them, sorry)

Anyway, you are going to read this shit and you are going to like it. GOT IT?

Or else... Edward will get you.

You don't want this Edward getting you, trust me.

NOT for minors or the faint of heart.

Now that you all have been appropriately teased, I shall return and edit this with the story link when it becomes available.

*snicker* the evil is rubbing off on me...

EDIT: here is the author page for DevilishPleasures, the collaboration account for Wicked Angel. Put them on alert for the story! You can also get everyone's individual fanfic pages here:

DevilishPleasures

NM Port Angeles

2009-12-10T19:00:00.000-08:00

This little blog post chronicles one of the most awesome days of my life.

So, the hubby and I were about to go visit my parents for Thanksgiving.

Said parents had indicated that they would be willing to go to New Moon during the visit.

This made me very happy, because the nearest theatre to their house is also the nearest one to Forks, and happens to be about a block away from Bella Italia.

heh heh heh... the plotting never ceases with this one.

And thus, I planned an evening of joy.

We arrived at the parents' home, and immediately my father handed me the newspaper.

This sort of thing amuses the man to no end. And I am frightened by the chick grinding on Cardboard E & B. WTF?

I had to wait a couple of days for my glorious evening, something about it being the hubs' birthday or some such garbage. He has a "No Edward on my birthday" policy. Whatever.

Anyhoo, my trip looked like this: boring boring boring... blah blah blah... NEW MOON DAY!!

We looked at furniture or something in Port Angeles until the theatre opened. I don't know, I was trying to get a good shot of the sign.

Yes, this is it! Fucking shithole. It looks nothing like that modernistic brand-spanky-new place where B/J/M see Facepunch.

I want to see Facepunch.

PUNCH FACES!!! Anyways...

So we went to New Moon.

Did I mention the Lincoln is SHIT? Well, it is.

It's not even fucking digital. You know that cool-ass part where the Volturi painting comes to life, slowly changing from painted to living? Yeah, that looked like hell in P.A.

Want to know something awesome that happened?

My mother stepped into the light.

*sniff*

She's seen Twilight once. She's never read the books. Her only thoughts from the Twilight movie were "vampires are scary" and "Jacob is cute".

UGH.

All was not lost, and surprisingly, she switched teams in the opposite direction of everyone else...

New Moon Thoughts By Mom:

Referring to Jake: "He looks really different."

Referring to Alice: "Do you think I could pull off a haircut like that girl?"

"I really like Alice's hair."

"Is Alice wearing a wig?"

K, mom, we get it. You have Alice hair envy.

Every time a dark forest was entered or foreboding music played: "Is something bad gonna happen now?"

Referring to Jake: "Ugh, he's too muscley."

"Edward is handsome, in a brooding way."

After I said a lot of the characters wear wigs: "Edward?"

After I responded that the Edward hair is sacred: "The abs ain't bad either."

I made her choose teams and she officially picked Team Edward.

I love you, mom.

In other news, some chick GASPED so fucking loud that I couldn't hear Bella gasp at the "cliffie". This girl has clearly not read the books.

Either that or she was really into imagining she was Kristen Stewart and thought that Rob just asked HER that question.

After that enlightening experience, we made our way to Bella Italia.

Nom nom nom mushroom ravioli.... *drools*

Who needs Coke when there is wine on the menu! Am I right?

Display set-up at the front of the restaurant.

Dinner was fan-freaking-tastic and ever so fun. Especially when I got a bit tipsy with my dad, who is seriously my favorite drinking buddy, and then overheard a MAN talking Twi like he knew what was up. He was bitching about the infamous "fade-to-black".

Twi-guy in Bella Italia: "I mean, the only problem is, it's just not very adult. Where's the description??"

AMEN, BROTHA!!!!

When walking back to the car, I couldn't resist but take a picture of a poster in the bookstore that I wished had been in my high school library.

I'll read with that guy... we can curl up in front of the fire with a good book... or something. And something... and something... and something...

Train of thought derailed.

Uh, anyways... that was my New Moon experience in Port Angeles.

Business Time: (do you have your business socks? Good.)

I have shit-tastic motherfucking retarded finals next week.

Translation: see you in a little over a week... *sniffle*

Wish me luck, and I will be back with a vengeance afterward!

New Moon: Midnight Showing Epicness

2009-12-03T11:50:00.001-08:00

I had no internets last week. *sniff*
But, YAY! Now I do!

So... do you wanna see some shitty pics from my New Moon adventures?
Too bad, you're on my page and I posted them. And they are SHIT, I promise.

So- first off, me, Pugs, and our unnamed accomplice (who, I might add, I hold completely responsible for the fact that Twilight has taken over my life for the past year. You loaned me the book, accomplice. It is your fault) went to the midnight showing at the accomplice's local theatre! This involved Pugs and I taking a 1.5 hour road trip that consisted of too-loud music and far too much giggling, and skipping school. It rocked.

Anyways... So we get there, right? And we go out to dinner, and we giggle about shirtless males and fanfic, and then we go to line up around nine. There was this nice, roomy indoor space with the whole stantion-windy-line setup. Did we get to stand in there? Hale no. Apparently 3 hours prior to the movie is far too late. So we froze.

Us freezing our arses off. *protecting the identity of the guilty*

So, we're fucking cold, and fucking excited, and I MAY have jumped up and down more than was entirely necessary.

Oh, did I mention Pugs made presents for a bunch of ladies on Facebook? She did...

Astonishingly inappropriate levels of sexual innuendo went into the creation of this gift

Extreme coldness is the mother of invention, apparently, and Pugs promptly found a new use for the Edward Shamwow:

EtomyB: Dude, I can't see his face! LIFT IT HIGHER!

While we were waiting, some interesting visitors showed up.

We're famous now.

I PROMISE.

News people: Let's find some Twihards to interview...

EtomyB: Us! US!!!!

News people: We don't wanna show THAT much crazy...

After the excitement over the news truck died down, I broke out my secret weapon: my laptop of Twi-craziness. What did I use it for? Oh, to watch Twilight on DVD, of course. ;)

Soon after I started the DVD, a theatre dude came out and started herding everyone inside. THANK FREAKING GOD. I packed up the lappy and raced (read: fantasized about punching the slow people in front of me in the head) inside.

What greeted us was what I like to call Heaven on Earth: 12 screens of New Moon.

Every sign says NEW MOON. Can I live here?

We were told to choose whichever screen we preferred, so we ran past everyone herding into the first 2 auditoriums in an effort to reach an empty one with fantastical seats. We are geniuses. We had the best. seats. ever.

Pocket Edward thought our seating choice was fawesome (that's my mom's favorite word, btw)

So, we were seated. And we still had an hour and a half to wait. What did we do?

1. almost killed someone's dragged BF for smoking in the theatre. SRSLY. Dude, that's illegal in this state!

2. played Scene It? Twilight on Pugs' phone.

3. recited lines from Twilight RiffTrax such as "Sit down! Have some plaid!" (if you haven't seen this, google that shit. NOW. death by LOL)

4. dodged Team Jacob fangirls in the bathroom.

5. continued watching Twi on the lappy, at which point the girl behind us decided we were the coolest people that ever lived. (she's so right.)

6. got told to scoot the frick in because all seats in all 12 auditoriums were sold out. we kept our awesomesauce seats. because we rule.

THEN...

*pause for dramatic effect*

the theatre went dark.

!!!!!!

Trailers began.

THE SCREEN WENT BLACK.

I almost had a heart attack waiting for the "technical difficulties" to be sorted out.

Pugs almost needed to get me a ventilator.

I almost freaked out more because she and the accomplice were far too calm.

But the screen came back.

*cue ginormous sigh of relief*

WHO came on the screen during the trailers?

I think you know.

The Biggest Fangirl Freak of my NM experience occurred during the trailers.

Some movie... I don't know, what's it called? Remember Me? Yeah, I think that's it...

*chuckles* right. Like I would forget. *sneaks peek at desktop wallpaper* Hellooooo Tyler...

Anyways, every. female. in. the. place. screamed. their. goddamned. heads. off.

EXCEPT US, because we are NOT screamers! (not in that setting... uh.... NVM)

I saw the subway at the beginning and squeaked, promptly clapping my hand over my mouth.

I MAY have watched it on youtube prior... a couple of times.

Silence....

I rocked back and forth...

He came onscreen and the world exploded in screams.

This audience was decidedly Team Fuck Fictional Characters, That Man Is Hot.

I agree. BUT SHUT UP. HE'S TALKING.

*points to Cutie-designed STFU button*

I was a little scared for a moment that I'd have to crack some skulls, but everyone shut their traps for the most part when the Eerie Dramatic Moon came on. I heart you, overly dramatic opening. There was squeeing when shirts started coming off, but all in all, everyone was quite respectful.

I won't go into my thoughts on the movie right now. I need a whole new post for that shit.

I'm also planning a post on my third viewing of the movie. Why? Because it occurred in Port Angeles, of course! You know you want to see the pics. I certainly wanted to take them.

So, that's all for now. See you soon! Let me know if there's anything specific about the movie you want to discuss!

kind of, sort of, might be going again in 2 days... number... um...

kthanx.

Love ya!

1- HOLY FRICK IT'S HERE!!!!!!

2009-11-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

WHAT??

IT'S FREAKING NOVEMBER 19th??

I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER ARRIVE!!!

Hokay, I'm done yelling... But SRSLY, I'LL BE WATCHING NM IN 24 HOURS!!!!

Um, so... I can't Forking concentrate on shizz.

I need to pack for the movie, 'cause I'm leaving for my friend's house the moment I finish my presentation at school tomorrow.

What do I do when I'm in such a bind?

Call on Pocket Edward, of course!

I wonder what will end up in my bag?

POCKET EDWARD PACKS FOR ETOMYB

Item #1. Buttcrack Santa's favorite: Little Bottles that those kids just love.

EtomyB hates vodka. 3 guesses why she bought Stoli. GO.

Item #2. Kleenex: A necessity for New Moon. I don't need Alice to know there won't be a dry eye in the house.

Item #3. Obnoxious 13-year-old screamer repellent, graciously provided by
Cutie

Last but definitely not least...

Item #4. Do NOT forget your goddamned ticket, B.

And of course, I cannot forget Pocket Edward himself.

EVERYONE WITH ME NOW:

SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

See ya post-NM!!!!!!!!!!

2- In which EtomyB needs HELP!!

2009-11-18T16:02:00.000-08:00

Help Meeeee!!!
What do I wear to the midnight showing? It is in a little over a day!

Here are some options.

Option 1:

nm look 1 by etomyb featuring Converse shoes

My shoes have silver sparkles instead of the pink fabric.

Option 2, possibly with my Bella nametag...

nm look 2 by etomyb featuring Converse shoes

Or a combo of some of that stuff. This is all based on stuff I own, and the second one is basically my Halloween Bella costume with a Team E shirt thrown in. ;)

VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

3- In which Pocket Edward rifles through my stuff... again

2009-11-17T20:19:00.000-08:00

POSTING: FAIL!

Yeah, this weekend sucked ass.

So did Monday.

But who gives a fuck?? I'M BACK AND NEW MOON IS IN THREE DAYS BITCH!!

Anyways... Pocket Edward promised he would over-analyze my collection of Twi-Swag for posterity, so... *sigh*

*scoots laptop over to PE and picks up Vanity Fair for the 300th time*

Ah, finally! She's occupied with her magazine, that should give us at least an hour.

Time is flying as November 20th approaches, and EtomyB is forever finding excuses to accumulate more Twilight merchandise.

She has a problem.

I do not believe you can fully appreciate the magnitude of this problem unless I just go ahead and show you.

*deep, unnecessary vampire breath*

Here we go. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Here is her latest purchase, which she insists was absolutely required for the midnight showing.

Apparently it was on clearance. She seems to think this negates the nonessential factor.

Then, there is the over-decoration of her refrigerator...

How many magnets does one woman need?
Honestly...

Some of her most prized possessions are also the smallest.
She has actually worn the Bella nametag in public. It was a fortuitous addition to a last-minute Halloween costume. Otherwise, these sit on a shelf.

But those things are not the half of it.
The worst part, by far, is yet to come.

THE T-SHIRTS.

How many Twilight t-shirts does a person need?

One?

Two?

Three?

FOUR?

FIVE??

No....

It seems this girl needs SIX.

Plus a pair of sweats.

No, this is not Hot Topic. It's EtomyB's t-shirt collection.

Do any of you lovely readers know of an appropriate support group?

We shall see you tomorrow. We've got plans for the next two days.

8- In which I made a funny

2009-11-12T22:29:00.000-08:00

I made a funny.

TwitardCat dislikes waiting.

9- In which EtomyB missed a day and Pocket Edward thinks she needs a support group

2009-11-11T22:45:00.000-08:00

HELLO!

School blows. I guess that test took more out of me than I thought.

Guess why I failed to post yesterday? I was asleep.

For a looooooooooong time.

But now I get to focus on what is happening NEXT WEEK!

Here's a glimpse of what I'm doing to prepare:

Chapter for chapter. Fucking pathetic. Goal: get through NM before NEXT THURSDAY

p.s. I heart Midnight Sun. STEPHENIE!! WHAT WILL I DO WHEN I RUN OUT OF CHAPTERS TO COMPARE??

I apologize in advance if I somehow manage to blubber and sob via the blog once I get to NM.

So anyway, Pocket Edward is getting all antsy, so this time I will generously hand over the reins instead of waiting for him to tie my ass up.

*slides laptop over to PE*

Well hello, blog readers! How I have missed you. It's been so long... *glares at EtomyB*

Well, let's get down to business, shall we?

New Moon is coming out next week! You can all stop using your toes to count down, only fingers are necessary from here on out.

Speaking of things coming out, EtomyB and I are still conducting our search for the elusive December issue of Vanity Fair. She was certain it would be available yesterday, and so we drove all over two towns with iadorepugs in search of it.

Nothing good came of this.

EtomyB decided that since we were near Hot Topic, we may as well peek at the New Moon merchandise.

She tries to hide her plans from me. Ha. I am a ming-reader. The girl has a problem.

Her addiction to all things Twilight and her addiction to shopping combine to create an unstoppable force, causing her to whip out her credit card with inhuman speed and fail to feel remorse as she should.

We were met with an entirely new selection of merchandise since the last time we were there, and I knew instinctively the results would be awful.

Fleece blankets? Bed linens? This is too far... Oh, and pugs would like the fleece throw for Christmas.

She sees things that catch her eye, and suddenly turns into a child with a shiny object. Her thoughts become repetitive. All I can hear is "MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE."

I stepped in front of this vinyl copy of songs from the soundtrack just in time.

You don't even own a record player, B.

I thought we were going to get out of the store with no new merchandise, but she snuck one past me. Sneaky girl started singing Lady Gaga in her head to keep me out.

Apparently, she would have died without this bracelet.

That's not all, either. The salesgirl mentioned a discount and B immediately rationalized the purchase of a tote bag with my face on it. She insists it was okay because it was on clearance, AND was 15% off. She thinks it's necessary to take to the New Moon premiere.

I suppose my century of wisdom means nothing to her.

You readers have no idea just how bad this addiction is. I have vowed to put together a post for you on the extent of her addiction. I think it may require two posts.

Well, there you have it. Happy 9 days until New Moon!

12 and 11- in which EtomyB has a giant effing test on Tuesday but wants to give you Pocket Edward pics anyways

2009-11-08T22:04:00.000-08:00

The title of the post basically says it all...

Giant fucking test.

Going to be buried in notes until Tuesday evening.

Pocket Edward thought I should jump on here really quick and give you all some of his favorites from what we like to call "The Archives".

I may or may not have a shit-ton of Pocket Edward pics on my computer.

You figure it out.

*ahem* anyways. On with it.

Plastic vamp + dead stuff = fun

I have more like this, but they are highly inappropriate. Not sure I want to post them on the interwebs.

Pocket Edward <3 sporting goods stores

His only fear: giant men in camo

Nope. They can't.

WIN

Damn straight.

This is a sculpture of POOP. I am not joking. Who needs a joke when the sculpture is SHIT?

This picture just rules for some reason

Pocket Edward is the king of the world

See you Tuesday. Wish me luck!

13- In which Pocket Edward tries his hand at poetry- sort of

2009-11-07T15:28:00.000-08:00

Hello again, and welcome to 13 days until New Moon!

Today, I became a bit bored of all of this waiting.

I know. Century-old vampire. You would think I would have more patience. Alas, I do not.

I decided to try my hand at refrigerator poetry.

EtomyB's husband is rather good at it...

He does not know the significance of this. He thinks it is purely an "Edward is gay" joke...

Logically, the first thing to do when approaching a large volume of words in this situation is to get rid of the ones you don't need.

These can go. Forever.

After I tossed out the words I didn't need, EtomyB decided to "help" me.

Behold her "dirty fic words" list:

This list is longer than I am tall. And I stopped her before she was finished.

A little "poem" for EtomyB:

Not anymore!

Once I started writing, it was hard to stop. I dedicate this one to Jacob:

I had to bring several words back from the "toss pile", but it was worth it.

Here's a little ditty dedicated to all the blog readers.

You know it's true.

Last but not least, I created an Ode to Me.

Amazing, isn't it?

What do you do when you get tired of waiting?

Happy 13 days!

14- In which Pocket Edward opens a can of whoopass

2009-11-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

Two weeks.

Is it really two weeks from today?

It is.

Two weeks from today, New Moon will be out. Many of you will have already seen it, and will be in the midst of an Edward-at-midnight hangover.

I am a miniature plastic vampire who does not sleep. Bring on the midnight showing!

Now that we're two weeks away from the release, it seems that New Moon merchandise is literally everywhere. One cannot enter a retail establishment without being bombarded by collectibles or other such paraphernalia.

I have noticed a disturbing trend among the treasures.

What is THAT DOG doing on MY MERCHANDISE???

New Moon: Now a cheesy romance novel! Did they add in the words "quivering" and "member" every once in a while?

Those two look like they are about to engage in indecent activities. This is highly inappropriate, and I would most definitely NOT be watching in a ghost-like manner.

*snorting laughter is heard in the background*

Keep your thoughts to yourself, B. Don't you have more Pattinson pictures to ogle?

And NO, I do NOT perform those sorts of acts. That is disturbing.

Where were we? Ah, as I was saying...

Is there really a choice here? Who would YOU rather sleep with, a courteous, loving vampire or a smelly, mangy dog?

Sexually repressed air conditioner or leg-humping heater?

Ba-dum-bum-bum CRASH! (that was my imaginary drum set)

EtomyB, please stop taking over the photo-captioning duties.

Now here is a merchandising decision I can understand.

There are no words. It just brings the funny on its own!

This is all fairly disturbing, but I haven't gotten to the best part yet.

Oh, the suspense...

Bring it, buddy.

A message to Pocket Jacob: You had better stay off of my product and off of my girl. There can only be one alpha male, and in this situation it ain't you.

Oh, and when EtomyB calls you "Pocket JB", it doesn't stand for Jacob Black.

Jailbait.

HAPPY 2 WEEKS!!

15- In which Pocket Edward goes on a reconnaissance mission

2009-11-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

Hello, friends!
Welcome to November 5th! Otherwise known as...
15 days until New Moon!

Yesterday, I hid under the couch cushion and allowed EtomyB to post about her triumph with New Moon tickets.

She was scaring me a little.

But now, I have returned in full force to give you what you crave! And that, of course, is me- Pocket Edward.

Today I have a little story to share.

Yesterday, I went on what I like to refer to as a reconaissance mission.

Apparently, a new issue of Vanity Fair is going to hit stores soon. For some reason, EtomyB will not stop thinking about it. So, I took it upon myself to check the store and try to pick something up from the thoughts of the humans working there.

Aren't I a wonderful mini companion?

I made my way to the mall, and promptly became distracted from my mission.

Our kind are easily distracted.

He knows if you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake... He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!

HA. That's not going to happen.

Next career choice: pirate.

After exhausting all career possibilities and photo ops with Santa, I made my way to the only store in this Godforsaken wasteland with a decent magazine selection.

Neverending Robert Pattinson! B would likely call this "Heaven"

Alas, no new Vanity Fair. The minds of the salespeople weren't any help, either.

But I did find some interesting trinkets...

I resemble that remark.

Here's a cause I can get behind.

What a selection!

Unfortunaely, the magazine mission was a bust. However, I did manage to find some interesting things this trip.

I wonder what else I can find in the world of New Moon merchandise...

16- In which EtomyB nearly has to crack some skulls, and then almost dies of joy

2009-11-04T19:02:00.000-08:00

Hello, friends!

Welcome back to the countdown!

Some crazy shit went down today. Pocket Edward got so tired of my rollercoaster emotions that he is now hiding and refuses to come out.

FIRST, I was informed that my local theatre, which I did not think would be selling New Moon tickets early, had started selling them on Sunday.

Obviously, I immediately wigged out and tried to determine how I could buy midnight tickets online.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: EXTREME NERVOUS EXCITEMENT

They were sold out.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: HEARTBREAK

I attempted to find another theatre close by.

Sold out.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: SKULL CRACKAGE

At this point, I had enlisted iadorepugs, who was now performing her own search mission.

I was doing all of this internets-surfing and text messaging while in class, mind you.

As soon as my class got over, I found iadorepugs.

She had a screen open on a school computer that saved my life.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: HOPEFUL EXCITEMENT

I made a phone call.

I arranged for a third excited film-goer to add to our party and an apartment to crash at in the city.

The city, 90 minutes from our home, where we are going to drive to see New Moon at midnight.

EtomyB's Emotion-o-meter: SUPER ECSTATIC JOY!!!!

WE DID IT!!!! THE ODDS WERE AGAINST US, BUT THE OBSESSED WILL PREVAIL!!!

Pocket Edward demonstrates- physical evidence!

HAPPY 16 DAYS TILL NEW MOON!!!!

17- In which Pocket Edward decides to have a discussion with EtomyB

2009-11-03T15:35:00.000-08:00

Hello again, and welcome to the third of November! If you weren't aware, this blog is currently under the jurisdiction of your friendly neighborhood plastic vampire, Pocket Edward. Please go here if you missed my first two posts.

Our countdown to New Moon has reached 17 days. How exciting! Just over two weeks until that lovely actor playing me graces the silver screen in all of his tortured glory.

All this excitement over the impending release of New Moon seems to have resulted in quite a bit of themed merchandise for sale. I must say, Corporate America appears to be milking this one for all it's worth. Being independently wealthy means that I am interested in the finer things in life, and find promotional trinkets to be of little value at best.

Hmm... normally that would have set EtomyB off. I wonder why she's not threatening to pull off my head and hide it under the couch cushion right now? Her thoughts are filled with sunshine and rainbows...

*glances at EtomyB*

Ah, yes. She's found the new Harper's Bazzar pictures. It appears she is imagining herself as Kristen Stewart in one of them. Interesting.

*turns to EtomyB*

Love, he's not actually asking her to marry him there. And, I hate to tell you this, but you're already married.

*silence*

Wow, if looks could rip a vampire apart and burn the pieces... I would no longer be around.

In any case, I was hoping that I could run things a little differently today. As I was rifling through EtomyB's possessions, I found some things that I thought I should discuss with her.

B, darling? Care to have a discussion with me?

*silence*

Honestly, you would think simply stating the truth would not be taken so badly... I apologize. It was wrong of me to destroy your daydreams in such a crude manner. Won't you please come and speak with me? *dazzle dazzle dazzle*

*B moves to sit at laptop*

PE: That's better!
B: This better be good, Short Stuff.
PE: You question my methods? Of course it will be good.

Last night, while you were sleeping and I was, of course, not, I came across some interesting things.

Were you aware that you own three boxes of candy from last spring?

Of course, two of these have my face on them. But still.

B: I am aware of those. Yes.

PE: Were you also aware that these have never been opened?

B: Yes...

PE: *smirking* I think perhaps you should share that little tidbit with the class, B.

B: *sigh* Ming-reading little... ugh. Fine. There was a fourth.

PE: *smirk still in place* A fourth, you say?

B: Yes.

PE: And?

B: UGH! You little shit. The candy is fucking disgusting.

PE: *smiling wider* So, what you are trying to articulate to your readers is that you did have four boxes of Twilight sweethearts, but they were... less than appetizing, so you never opened the other three.

B: *groaning* Yes, that is what I am saying.

PE: And why, pray tell, are these three boxes still lying around your home?

B: *glare*

PE: I see. Readers, B does not wish to tell you that she kept the candy for sentimental reasons. She is a tad embarrassed to have months-old candy in her possession just for the sake of collecting Twilight merchandise.

B: *evil glare*

PE: I know, you also wish me to tell them that three of the four boxes were gifts. Which one did you purchase yourself, I wonder?

B: Whatever. Conceited bastard.

PE: Wait! There's more!

Recently, you added another box of candy to your collection. This one is displayed proudly on your computer desk.

2 of 3? Is this the only one with my face on it?

B: Yes, that's the only one with your face on it.

PE: Why, thank you for volunteering information, B!

B: *snort* Like you wouldn't pick it out of my brain anyway.

PE: I must ask, B. Have you tasted this candy?

B: No.

PE: Do you plan to?

B: No.

PE: Why did you purchase this, then?

B: Fuck. Because it has your fucking beautiful face on it. Are you happy now?

PE: Yes. Now be a good girl and go imagine that proposal some more. *dazzle dazzle dazzle*

*EtomyB walks off, dazed*

Do any of you lovely readers have any old, disgusting boxes of candy lying around for no good reason?

Discuss. Twilighters fascinate me.

Happy 17 days to New Moon!

18- In which Pocket Edward realizes something important about New Moon

2009-11-02T15:47:00.000-08:00

Hello again, faithful readers. Pocket Edward here, on this lovely second day of November, everyone's favorite month of 2009! Welcome back to my countdown to the release of New Moon! Please go here if you missed yesterday's post.

I was somewhat surprised to find that the readers who commented seemed rather unconcerned for EtomyB's welfare, and were instead slightly jealous that she was subjected to my dazzle-powers. For all of my ming-reading abilities (that's Pocket for "mind-reading", if you didn't know), I still fail to fully understand this female fascination. In any case, she appears to be faring quite well.

*turns to speak to B*

Isn't that so, B?

*silence*

Just remember to wipe up the drool when you finish with that Vanity Fair photo I printed out for you, love.

*turns back to task at hand*

See? I am a just, dare I say generous, captor.

Moving on.

Today, I took it upon myself to become more familiar with New Moon, the book. You see, I have never read these novels you all are so enamored with. I LIVED them, and it seems rather superfluous for me to sit through a teen drama-

*yelling is heard in the background*

"Your HEAD is not securely attached, you little plastic mofo! Just REMEMBER THAT!"

Excuse me for a moment.

*whirring of printer*

*silence*

Just give her a new picture and she'll shut up for hours. *ahem* As I was saying! I haven't read these lovely stories because, frankly, they are about me. So, today I decided I should read New Moon before I see it at the midnight showing with EtomyB. (I get to go before her husband does. See how this works? *smirk*)

My vampire speed should make this a quick read. After all, it's no Shakespeare.

Knew this part was coming. You idiot. *sigh* Hindsight is 20-20.

Wait a minute... this Edward-less section is excrutiatingly long.

I can smell that DOG just reading this! What is this tripe?!

THREE HUNDRED PAGES until we even see ALICE???

You can understand my rage, I am sure.
Over three hundred pages of complete drivel, which will no doubt translate into an extended peroid of time in which I will have to endure the presence of the Lautner boy.
Yes, I left. Yes, I was gone for several months. But did that DOG really do anything worth wasting THREE HUNDRED PAGES on?

Talk amongst yourselves. I must go take out my rage on a stuffed dog.

19- In which Pocket Edward defiles the calendar and declares his takeover

2009-11-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! Guess what month it is! I- HEY!! What's going on?? What the-

*sounds of struggle, muffled yelling, words that should not be repeated*

*a tiny plastic throat is cleared*

Hello.

I didn't get a chance to introduce myself... well, ever.
I'm Edward Cullen.

You are EtomyB's loyal blog readers.

*intense dazzling gaze*

I know what you're thinking. And it's not about money or cats... I'm PLASTIC. Get out of the gutter.

*waits patiently for reader to recover from dazzle*

That's better.

I have decided to take over this... what is this? A blog? Ridiculous.

*mumbles are heard in the background*

All right, fine. This amazing, wonderful BLOG run by my lovely EtomyB. I am taking it over until I see fit to hand the reins back to her. She couldn't come up with anything remotely wonderful enough to celebrate this, the most glorious month of 2009, on her little blog here- so I decided to take over.

I didn't hurt her. I may have used my superior plastic strength to slightly incapacitate her for a bit...

*muffled protests*

*dazzle dazzle dazzle*

*silence*

There, now she'll shut up for a while.

So, the month of November requires celebration, and a countdown the likes of which the world has never seen. What better way to do this than with pictures of me?

I know. I'm a genius. You don't have to tell me.

So, thanks to my superior plastic vampire mind and creative leanings, you will be treated to photos of me, celebrating the glory of November 2009 and exerting the power that I have over EtomyB, every day from now until the 19th!

I can't guarantee that Miss B will be mentally able to type in her password on the 20th, and I do still need her for that part.

Well, without further ado, feast your eyes on the gems I have come up with to kick this off!

Here's a little taste of my Halloween celebration for you! I can certainly become the life of the party when the occasion warrants it.

I went as a sexy plastic vampire with a golden onion.

Halloween was... interesting. Did you know college students in bars have extremely dirty thoughts? It's quite the experience.

After getting home from the debauchery, I noticed that the month of November had nothing noted on it in EtomyB's husband's sexy car calendar. The man has good taste, for a human, but seems to lack planning skills. I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Talk amongst yourselves. I should probably untie EtomyB and get her to study...

*glances behind himself*

B? I'll let you go if you get to work...

*silence*

Wait, you're thinking about Robert Pattinson in the new Vanity Fair again. This is going to be difficult...

See you tomorrow, faithful readers! Pocket Edward out.

I feel loved! Now... what the Hale is a meme??

2009-10-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

YAY!! Somebody loves lil old me, even though I am such a blog slacker!

I got tagged by Twidiculous (Wives) to do a meme, which was started at the amazing Twitarded. I had no fucking clue what a meme was before I began reading everyone's responses. Apparently I just have to talk about myself! Seems easy enough...

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?

Hmm. My life isn't that cool. I narrowly escaped an MIP 3 days before my 21st birthday... Me + uncomfortable shoes + alcohol = walking barefoot down the street, no matter how grimy the city... I will never speak to vodka again after a night of taking "shots" out of MEASURING CUPS and singing my beloved Pearl Jam around the fire at the top of my lungs (and later vomiting my entire digestive system out of a moving car).... and some other things that have to do with, um, "activities" and public places. Yeah, you're not surprised. I am, after all, a fic whore.

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast.

HA! Easy.
Fuck = Jasper
Marry = Edward
Kill = Bella. If I didn't need her dead for the above, I would kill Eric. "Say 'La Push' just one more time, buddy..."

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?

This one's tougher. I fucking love music. I fail at discovering new stuff, though... so although I know there are several bands out there whose albums I would love to buy, I am loathe to evaluate them based on the few songs I know.
My standby list: Third Eye Blind (HA, you knew that), Red Hot Chili Peppers, Soundgarden, Audioslave, and Pearl motherfucking Jam. Yes, ladies, I'm a grunge girl. I have my Nirvana moods as well.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?

Talk about tough! Ugh... I am random. Here's a partial list.
Romeo and Juliet (Leo DiCaprio version), The Breakfast Club, A Knight's Tale, The Holiday, the Kill Bill series... etc. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS kicked ASS.

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?

Haha. Yes. EVERYONE knows I am addicted. Basically, once you get past "acquaintance" with me, you know of the addiction. Sometimes even before that. However, only two RL people know about the blog, and only one of those has read it. Those would be the hubby and Iadorepugs, and I think we all know which one reads it... hmmm, the sweetly enabling hubby or the fic queen? I'll take fic queen for 500.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.

More than I should, less than I want to. Actually, lately it's only been less than I want to. But as of now I am trying this new thing called BALANCE, wherein I shall study AND have fun, not just avoid studying until the last minute and leave myself zero time for fun. Here's hoping I can stick to it.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter.

My life has a soundtrack. Songs are forever playing in my brain, and they change whenever someone says something that triggers a new one. Example: I'm sitting in class and my professor is describing a concept which forces him to use the word "pressure" multiple times. Immediately, as if on cue, David Bowie is singing loud and clear inside my wacky little mind. I don't even have a second where I think "Oh, that makes me think of X song." Nope, it's a fucking reflex. Today, fire was used in a lab, and "Firestarter" by Prodigy would not leave my brain. OH GOD, now I have Billy Joel... "We didn't start the fire"... it's a DISEASE I tell you! But I kinda love it.

I'm going to be a lame-o and say that I'm pretty certain just about everyone I "know" who runs a blog has been tagged. Here are a couple I THINK have not been:

I Saw Forever In My Never , who just friended me on FB. *waves*
'86 Rabbit , who is awesome.
That's all I've got.

Go see Cutie, the queen of amazingness, because a) she is awesome and b) she made a convenient list of everyone who was tagged.

Anyway, that's pretty much all the exciting information you could ever want about me. And now I know what a meme is. Thanks, Twidiculous Wives! You rock, BTW.

Adventures in "Coming Out": The Obsession Leaks into Real Life... ON PURPOSE

2009-10-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

HI!!!!

I love you.

Now that that's out of the way...

*insert the usual school-fucking-sucks-and-owns-my-life-I-wish-I-could-blog-more-and-read-everyone's-awesome-blogs-more-too shit here*

Luckily, school is going to suck less from now until finals, so I hope I can hear from you lovely bloggy friends more since I will be trying to post more!

Also, I am planning on starting something fun for the month of... NOVEMBER!! Because what other month is there in 2009, anyway? I'm pretty sure we are currently in Holeofboringnothingness-tober. Fuck that noise. Look for the first installment of my silliness on Sunday! (that's NOVEMBER FIRST to you, bitches!)

On to the blog post.

I have some pretty awesome people in my life. These people have a tendency to encourage me to be myself, at all times, no matter how crazy I may think I will seem. Recently they have been getting to me, and I must say that my life has been nothing but better for it.

Exhibit A: The Haircut

Yes, this is me. Don't stalk me now that you know what I look like. Unless, of course, you are Edward.

I've been wanting to do this for a LONG time. One day a couple of weeks ago, I just... did.

Scene: Local hair salon. Our heroine (that's me, of course. It's my goddamn blog) walks in, armed with pictures saved to her trusty iPhone, to demand Bellahair.

Hair dude: "Are you ready, B?"
Hang on, who let Jay-Z into my scene.... moving on...
B: "Yup."
B plops into comfy haircutting chair, pulls her hair out of its elastic, and awaits the Inevitable Question. Wait for it...
Hair dude: "So, what are you thinking of doing with your hair today?"
B: *smiling like a retard* "Have you seen the Twilight movie?"
Hair dude: *confused* "Um... I think so?"
B: "Do you know what Bella's hair looks like?"
Hair dude: *brow furrowed* *look of utter confusion*
B: "I have pictures."
Hair dude: *look of relief* "Okay, let's see them."

The hair dude proceeded to give me a shorter approximation of Bellahair. I love it. Forever. He didn't even ask about my level of obsession.

Exhibit B: The Shirts... Dear God the Shirts

I wore this shirt to school last week. Most people didn't know what the Hale it meant, and/or only saw me wearing a fleece over it due to the ridic frozen wasteland that is this town. I did, however, have one interesting encounter.

Scene: After showing her shirt to an appreciative Iadorepugs, and two other girls due to proximity, B walks into her final class of the day proudly displaying the awesomeness that is the Jasper shirt. Girl 1 and Girl 2 begin to giggle.

B: *somewhat annoyed stare directed at Girl 1*
Girl 1: "We're not laughing at you, we're laughing at your shirt!"
B: "My shirt is AWESOME."
Girl 1 and Girl 2 dissolve into laughter.
Girl 1: "It's funny."
Girl 3: "I have to see this, what does it say?"
B: *stands back up and stretches out t-shirt so Girl 3 can read without staring at her boobs*
Girl 3: "I don't get it."
Girl 2: "You wouldn't. It's a Twilight thing."
Girl 3: *rolls eyes*
B: *satisfied smirk*

Exhibit C: The Tatt

I very rarely care if people use my stuff. Normally I find it flattering.

THIS IS MY CHILD AND I PROTECT MY CHILDREN.

(I'm not really evil, but you get the idea)

-end rant-

Yes, my husband drew that (I added the colored flower in Photoshop because he just drew an outline so it would be easy to transfer on). Yes, I am planning to get it tattooed on myself forever, until the end of time. I already have one tattoo, and it's a reminder of a book that changed me. Why not add another in the same vein? I am going to be covered in tattoos that include flowers and are about books. YAY!

I would like to take a moment to acknowledge all of the people in my life who love me for me and tell me to, in the words of Iadorepugs, "fly my freak flag".

1. *points at blog reader* You didn't think I would forget you, did you? You are my life now. Without you, I would have no outlet.

2. Iadorepugs, the Lemon Queen, my RL partner in Twi-crime and creator of Horseward and Harleyward, one of which I may have asked to marry me at one point.

3. My loving mother and father, who bestow Twi-gifts upon me and call me with updates on Pacific NW Twi-gossip. They also let me stay at their house from time to time, which is conveniently located near ~~Mecca~~ Forks.

4. The Instigator, one of my best friends, who loaned me her copy of Twilight amost one year ago.

5. My RL non-Twi friends, who sweetly allow me to force them to watch trailers. Specifically the one who told me to "look it up in the Thesaurus and find a better word" whenever I didn't like a trait I possessed. Thanks to you, I am quirky and idiosyncratic.

Saving the best for last...

6. My very own real-life version of Edward, who purchases magazines called "Sexy Stars of Twilight" for me, crushes on Ashley Greene, designs amazing tattoos, tells me my obsession is "cute", enjoys taking photos of Pocket Edward, and goes on endless searches for Twi-shit with me, in Forks and otherwise. Basically he's the shit.

Now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

A cure for phobias? I think I'm on to something here.

2009-10-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

FIRST! I love you! I have been a neglectful and bad blogger. I assure you that there is no awesome reason for this. My life just sucks and I lack time. Facebook is faster than blogging. Come visit me there!! (see button on sidebar)

Second! I am obsessed with Photoshop. I mean O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D. I may post random shizz that I make from time to time, just for funsies. Please tell me what you think of it. I am still planning on creating more comp wallpapers.

Third... on with the show.

Hokay, so... all of my life, I have been a victim of a little thing called arachnophobia.

EW! ewewewew....

I am sure many of you have similar afflictions.

Spiders=yuck.

What is it about them? They are creepy and crawly. It's not even that they might bite you. They are just fucking creeptastic.

*Faithful blog readers: "What the H does this have to do with Twilight?"*

I'm getting there! Remember? WORDY girl? Right, that's me.

So, I do not believe I have so much as touched an arachnid in my entire life.

Recently I have been able to get close enough to squash them with a shoe, but up to that point I would simply not enter the room in which they were residing until my adoring hubby came home to dispatch them.

As a child, I would scream bloody murder for my daddy to squish them.

I have a sixth sense about them. What's that teeny-tiny spot on the wall on the complete other end of the house? No one knows... unless it's a spider. I know.

I have good news! I have found effective therapy.

What spider? Is he NAKED? Ummmmm... nice spider, just let me... uh... heh heh

I watched The Haunted Airman last night.

I think I may grow to love spiders.

Now, back up the truck. Just because Rob happens to be half naked for much of this film, and it involves such things as spongebaths, massages, making out, and EXCESSIVE smoking... well, of course that's why I watched it.

But guess what? It is a KICK ASS movie.

It's fucking creepy, and although it involves some shoddy acting, it is saved by Mr. Main Character up there.

Sure, I have a mega-ultra-crush on him. Sure, I like any excuse to see his pretty ~~chest~~ face. But I was enthralled with his portrayal of this character. He's amazing.

I know many people *coughmyhusbandcough* think Rob is a shitty actor who is just skating by on his boyish good looks and witty British charm, but I must beg to differ.

Not just out of undying teencrushylove, either.

WATCH IT.

Warning: may or may not involve aunt/girlfriend confusion, creeper old psych dudes, and not using shaving implements as directed.

<3

p.s. my husband is designing me a Twi tatt, because clearly he is the best husband anyone ever had, anywhere. Just had to throw that out there. And yes, it is tasteful and NOT obvious/ridic. You will see, my lovelies, you will see.

I may or may not have given him his own fanfic-style "-ward" nickname. No, I am not telling you what it is.

Wallpaper #1

2009-09-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

*tentatively holds creation behind back like a kindergartener*

I... I made you something.

I hope you like it.

I am obsessed with photoshop and thought it would be fun to make wallpapers.

Tell me if you like it, please?

Tell me if you would like more in the same vein?

Tell me what sizes I should save them in?

(this one is the size of my screen, 1280 x 800)

This could become a regular thing.

If you like it.

Be gentle.

I took the forest pic in Forks, got the screencap here, and screwed with it all on Photoshop.

p.s. do you like my new banner? I made that too :)

Edward: 1 Jacob:...3??

2009-09-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

*awakens from coma induced by making this photoshop masterpiece*

Oh God... I feel like I just molested both of them... ~~Team Threesome~~ I mean... hi.

Soooo. Short periods of indescretion aside, everyone knows what team I'm on. Yes, Taylor is disturbingly attractive for a 17-year-old. Yes, I like Jacob (sometimes). But I am an Edward girl until the end.

My family is another story.

I've already established that my own mother, and even my dear, sweet grandmother prefer teenage werewolves to chiseled vampires (drool).

A third family member appears to have joined their ranks.

I think my husband is now officially Team Jacob.

Let me present the evidence.

1. He enjoys watching trailers for New Moon because the wolves "look cool".

2. He has said that he is "kind of excited" to see New Moon because of the wolves.

3. He wants Edward to die... and in his little world, Rob is Edward. "Stupid British vampire" is his term of endearment.

And the most recent addition:

4. Well... I think this is better described if I just relate the conversation to you.

Scene: After imbibing large quantities of alcohol at the bar, B and E come home and turn on the TV, finding some random show about "Hollywood hotties" or some such thing.

B: Charlize Theron... ugh.

E: That's why she's on my list!

B: I don't get it. I get all the other ones, but not Charlize... WHY?

E: She has sexy shoulders.

B: *exasperated sigh* Shoulders?? Whatever.

E: Yes. Shoulders.

E puts in Pirates of the Carribean DVD.

B: Johnny Depp! He's the only man who can pull off manliner. He should go on my list.

E: *agrees* - honestly, I was wasted and I don't recall what he said

B: I only have four people so I can do #1 twice.

E: NO WAY! Ew! I know who #1 is... *disgusted face* *obligatory remark about pale, skinny British vampires*

B: UGH! I wish Heath Ledger was still alive so I could add him. Hmmm....

*alcohol invades B's thought processes*

B: Okay, I am reserving spot #5 for Taylor Lautner when he turns 18!

Wait for it....

E: Good! He's beautiful.

B: *shocked*......

*uncontrollable giggles*

So apparently I have the seal of approval for the SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD, but not the "stupid British vampire".

WHAT THE HELL, family???

Video Music Awards 2009: Because I love giving my opinion!

2009-09-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

OF COURSE I watched the VMA's last night.
OF COURSE I have plenty of shit to say about them!
*side note: in my little world, official trailers don't count as spoilers so I watch them 1000x in a row... kthanxbye*
First, let's get a few things out of the way, because these things have nothing to do with Twilight and are therefore uninteresting.

1. That one guy can go SUCK IT HARD. I'm not even mentioning his name 'cause you know he wants the publicity, but if you watched, you know who I mean.

2. I want to be Katy Perry when I grow up.

I couldn't find the awesome-sauce performance outfit but I would so wear it... if I was a rockstar

3. Lady Gaga is slightly frightening yet very intriguing.

Um, you are cool.

Enough of that crap. On to the Twi-shit!

RANTS/WHINING

1. ASHLEY!! Dear Lord. I love you, and you always look freaking gorgeous... but NOT NOW! What in hell, girl? This hurts me. I feel personally let down by this.

Ugh, the gold... the dress kills me and the shoes aren't much better.

2. Taylor, OMG. STOP IT THIS MOMENT. Every time you dress up, you look twelve. Then I see you in the trailer and.... you do not look twelve at all. This may be because you never wear a damn shirt in NM. I dunno, okay... just, like, quit creeping me out by looking hot one moment and twelve the next.

'Nuff said.

3. Fucking MTV in general. I felt quite ripped off by the lack of ~~Rob~~ Twi-stars that I was able to ~~ogle~~ see during the show. You know you put that trailer in to lure the Twitards, and then that's all you give us! MTV, you are a tease.

HAPPINESS/DROOLING

1. KRISTEN!! Did you and Ashley have some weird Freaky Friday fashion sense episode? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

CUTE HAIR! PRETTY DRESS! HOT SHOES! What the...??

2. Drool.... he touches his face and hair all the time... ugh. Seriously! I had a hard time getting my brain back on track to pay attention to the trailer! Here is my brain on Rob:

*Twi-cast enters stage*

B's brain: ROB!! Sigh.... oh right, YAY! Trailer! And Kristen looks cute! Taylor looks twelve. Bleh.

*they say some shit I don't hear*

B's brain: He's touching his hair... wait, he's TALKING!! oh God...

*more shit is said*

B's brain: OMIGOD he just touched his mouth................................................................

*several seconds pass in which B's eyes are glazed over as she stares fixedly at screen, people may or may not be talking at this point*

*trailer starts*

B's brain: SHIT, trailer. Must... pay... attention... Robtouchingmouth.... NO!! PAY ATTENTION!!

*puddle on floor*

3. Um... trailer. I will not go into details for those who don't want them, but can I just say OHMYFUCKINGGOD. This movie is going to be absolutely, ridiculously amazing and 1000 times better than Twilight. And I am pretty sure there will be at least one shirtless male onscreen for 95% of the movie. I am not exaggerating. (HA, I always exaggerate, but srsly, there's a freakin lot of abdominals and pecks in there) And the eyes are CREEPY! YAY!! And oh, how I love Dakota Fanning being evil! And, and, and... I will stop now, but AAAAHHH!!

I liked it just a little.

I will leave you with my interpretation of this photo.

pics from justjared and justjaredjr

HEY Twi-friends! I need you.

2009-09-03T18:08:00.000-07:00

Ah, the romance of Hamthrax...

So, I've been sick all week. Waah, wah... I have the flu. (shhh do not utter the word "swine"! Although rumor has it that might be exactly what I have.) I am getting better and probably going to class tomorrow, on which I shall be VERY behind, but that is beside the point.
The point is, being sick at home means having not much to do and not wanting to get off your ass. Me + time + laptop = crazy ideas that tend to be related to Twilight. Soooo... I made a Twilight-exclusive Facebook account! Why? You see, there are all these fun applications on Facebook that I really would rather my real life friends did not see me using. (Send-a-sperm? Twi fanfic crack? Robward?) But I really, really wanted to use them, and certain friends of mine are not known for their discretion in RL vs. Twilight obsession separation, thus the following occured daily:

B's RL Facebook account: You have new requests!
B: Oh goody!
B's RL Facebook account: 329857349857 people worked on your farm in Farmtown!
B: I fucking hate Farmtown. Fuck off.
B's RL Facebook account: You have 5 Send-a-sperm requests!
B: Ohmigod, LOL!! Uhm... wait a tick... I don't want my grandma to see me accepting sperm... *sad face* (hahaha accepting sperm.... that's what she said)
B's RL FB account: You have 3 Robward requests!
B: Robward can request whatever he damn well pleases! Oh crap... that's gonna go on everyone's homepage... *frown*
B's RL FB account: You have 7 Twi Fanfic Crack requests!
B: OMG!! What could it be???? Ah, crap. Stupid homepage. Why does my grandma have to have Facebook??

So you see, I had a conundrum. How was I to partake in all this joy without my grandma finding out I'm an obsessive perv? Why, create a different Facebook account, of course!

And why do I need you? I have no friends. *bottom lip juts out* Be my Facebook friend?
Click on my link over there!------------------->
Do not get distracted by the beautiful celebrities!

I'll send you Beautiful Bastard.... ;)

Love, B

Twiconomy: What Recession?

2009-09-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

When visiting Forks, Washington, one cannot help but notice a certain trend.

Fucking EVERYTHING has to do with Twilight. And it seems the economy is quite happy with that fact.

I think we need to let someone know about this phenomenon, in order to save our lovely country from its shitty economy.

*ahem*

Dear Mr. President/Wall Street dudes/who-am-I-kidding-I-don't-even-know-who-to-address-this-to:

If you'd like the advice of someone who knows absolutely nothing about the economy, but pretty much everything about Twilight, please continue to read this letter. If not, well... sorry. Fold it up and use it as a coaster or something.

Anywhoo, I hear the economy sucks. (Does it? I live off student loans. I guess I'll find out when I have to start paying them back.) So there's this town in Washington (the STATE- I know, right?). You may have heard of it, it's called Forks. This little town is having NO problems with its economy, and when you begin to investigate, it's fairly obvious why that is.

One word: Twilight.

(If you dudes don't know what I'm talking about, ask your daughters... or maybe wives. While we're on the subject, don't get too freaked out about all the fanfiction.net stuff in your wife's browser history. It's getting you laid.)

How many Twilight-exclusive stores exist in Forks? THREE.

Dazzled By Twilight's old location is now way too small.

New, twice as big, Dazzled By Twilight store.

Inside ~~Heaven~~ Dazzled by Twilight

Come on, we all need a "My Boyfriend/Husband Sparkles" shirt!

As well as a Crazy Alice postcard....

Every Twi-sign you can think of...

Let's not forget Creepy Carlisle, Rosalie's Non-wedding, and... WTF is that in the middle? I don't wanna know.

Team Jacob? Native to Twilight's got you covered.

98331 Gear- some of the most creative merchandise exists here. They stole both my good ideas- bottled La Push sand and Forks rain. They also carry the little gem below...

Have I just been reading too much fanfic, or is this really dirty?

Even if a store isn't all about Twilight, they always have a little somethin' to lure in the fans.

Ice cream shop complete with SMeyer window art

Every eating establishment needs a little Twi.

These cross a line. *makes sure to keep toes on non-Twi-rainboots side of line*

I was not even aware this line existed, but somehow, they crossed it.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I bought this just to prove it existed. Silly husband, thinking you had found a Twi-free zone in the fly shop...

So, after seeing all this evidence, you're probably gonna make some kind of mandate that all towns/cities must have at least one Twilight store as part of an economic recovery plan, right?

I know several ladies who would love that idea.

You can thank me later.

Maybe forgive all these student loans? Just a thought.

Yours truly,

EtomyB

I'M BACK! (kind of)

2009-08-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Hi favorite bloggy Twi-friends! How I have missed you the past week and a half! Yeesh... I am saddened because I have not been able to keep up with everyone's wonderful blogs, and I KNOW some awesome shit was goin' down.

Anyway, as many of you know, I started back to school this week (where they seem to love mentioning the 1918 influenza and forcing me to zone out, but that is a topic for another day). This means that I will not be able to post here or comment on everyone else's wonderment (hehe Cutie I like that word) as often as I had the privilege to do during the summer. But I hope to get into a regular schedule soon and be able to use this glorious world of Twi-interweb-fun as a way to wind down.

Anyway, I hope everyone will keep checking back with me because I do so love you all. I think I shall try to develop some kind of posting schedule, so I can work on posts over several days and make them awesome. Quality over quantity!

For now, please see below for a bit of what I was up to last week. ;)

Pocket Bella cliff-dives at First Beach

What? She's the one that wanted to go diving...

Shadesward is too sexy for his Ray-Bans

Found on First Beach. I love this place.

Shadesward says "Fuck your territory"

I filled 2 Mike's Hard bottles with First Beach sand. Think I can sell them on eBay?

Wolf tracks on the beach

This is what happens when I decide I cannot live without Twilight-themed refrigerator magnets. The whole family needs to throw their 2 cents in.

MY HUSBAND BOUGHT THIS FOR ME. He does not realize what I thought of when I saw it.

I named him Cupcake, for Tattward in CW&IA... Iadorepugs suggested the name. She also suggested Cookie, but naming a unicorn Cookie just seems counterproductive. (We had this conversation during class, of course)

This was taken inside the Dazzled by Twilight store... in public... I wasn't drunk. I forced my husband to take this. I may or may not be crazy. It is really, really fun.

That's all for now! I'm already working on a silly post that I hope to get done in the next few days.

Love you all!

Hi.

2009-08-17T11:28:00.001-07:00

I'm a shitty blogger. I leave all the damn time. Methinks I need some guest posters or some shit, it seems like so much fun when other people do it!

(apologies for the profuse swearing. Reading fanfic again and laying the blame for the potty mouth on its author and her judicious use of hilarious swear-phrases. Mr. Horrible... no I have never read it *gasp*, and I seriously wonder where it has been all my life because I adore it to peices.)

Anyways, I'm gonna be gone for most of the week. It's my last week before school starts again, and I'm hanging out with the family. This of course means that the siren call of a certain somewhere has been tugging at me for days now, and I shall likely be tweeting pictures as soon as I can drag my E over that way.

So, I'll see you on Twitter occasionally! BBL lovelies!

I have opinions. Of course, I am going to tell you them.

2009-08-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

So, I watched the Teen Choice Awards last night.

*crickets*

Voice of Reason: B, you are TWENTY-SIX years old. WTH are you doing watching the Teen Choice Awards?

B: THIS, bitch.

Heh, heh... doing... um, what were you saying? That stare is better than the MIB flashy-thingie!

Anyways. I tuned in late, because my E and I went out to dinner (aaaw, so cute, I know). I turned on the telly and began screwing around on my lappy (shoutout Cutie, this is now part of my vocab). Next thing I know, E is standing behind me tapping me frantically on the shoulder. He is shouting in my ear. What is he shouting?

"There's your boyfriend! There's your boyfriend!"

I glance at the television, which is graced by none other than Rob, giggling away in the audience. I gasp, and give E a look that is most likely a lot more filled with teeny-bopper joy than I care to admit. I think I thanked him. I don't know. I began furiously texting iadorepugs at that point.

All of this is utterly beside the point. What I really want to tell you is what I thought about the Twi-cast at the awards! Because, of course, you want to know. Even if you don't, I'm gonna tell ya.

Without further B-is-way-too-goddamn-wordy ado....

1. Robert. (Mr. Pattinson if you're nasty)

Hair I want to run my fingers through? Check.

Jawporn? Check.

Plaid shirt that I inexplicably love to peices? Check.

Hideous shoes? Double check.

Looks like he's been on a lettuce-and-diet-Coke diet for months? Um... hold the phone.

Someone get that boy a hot pocket, stat!

I'll totally go out for cheeseburgers with you, Rob... just sayin'

I'm aware that this would have made more sense had I used a full length pic. I don't care. His fingers are in his hair. *flash* What the H just happened? What day is it? Where's Will Smith?

2. Kristen. (AKA K"My closet threw up on me, I was helpless to prevent this"Stew)

Darling Kristen.

I find you beautiful.

Truly true. I am horrifically jealous of you at all times, but I am able to admit you are gorgeous.

WHY DO YOU WEAR SUCH THINGS???

You need a new stylist. Tell them that wifebeaters do not appear at award shows.

*hugs*

p.s. yourhairsuckssorrybutitdoes.... can I have your Bella hair since you're not using it? Thanks

3. .... Jacksper?

What the H, how cute are these three?

~~Jacksper~~ Jbones.

Um, hi. I don't usually find you very attractive. Except this one time, during the baseball scene... *swoon*

PLEASE wear those fucking adorable glasses every day from now on.

kthanxbye.

4. Oh God, I'm going there. WOLFY.

Uhm... YOU LOOK TWELVE.

Thank the good Lord that certain people are sworn to secrecy over certain things I may or may not have said about your eight pack in the past. *coughMariecough*

Stop looking twelve, or stop having the body of a built 25 year old. Ok? Ok.

p.s. You say cute things. I love that you seem to play to the fans. That is all... everyone scroll up and look at the flashy-thingie pic real fast. Thanks.

5. Everyone else/Catherine

Oops, Catherine's not in this one... she's scary ok?

Catherine scares me sometimes... she acts high. Does she toke with Miss ClosetVomit?

There are other people in the cast.... but they didn't talk while I was watching, offend me with their fashion choices, surprise me with their hotness, or be Rob.

That's my opinionated and somewhat ridiculous take on the very ridiculous television I watched last night. I won't even mention the JoBros, who, BTW, are NOT badass. No matter how much they think so.

The crazy is clearly seeping into the outside world

2009-08-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

Exhibit A: my laptop case

Yeah, it's a shitty smallish picture. So sue me. Maybe I will make a better one with recently-acquired PHOTOSHOP (what, what!).

Exhibit B: I read fanfic in public on my phone.

Do I need to seek help for this fanfic addiction? Is this the wrong forum for asking this question? Probably... to both of those...

That's all, besides all that stuff about carrying around action figures, and, well, you know.

<3>p.s. I want another tattoo. Any ideas? (No, I haven't been reading Tattward fic... shame on you for thinking I would read and/or enjoy such smut!! Maybe a ladybug on my toe... Tattward would like that...mmmmmm)

Look what I got!!

2009-08-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

Look what iadorepugs made me!

This stemmed from a convo we had involving me saying I was majoring in Rob's ass... anyways. That is neither here nor there. What matters is, she rocks and I love surprises, especially when they have to do with Twilight! Go read her story (scroll up and click on her name!). Maybe if you review she'll make you a Twi-diploma.

RP Physiology... heh heh

EtomyB, RPD

GOHEREGOHEREGOHEREGOHERE!!!

2009-07-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

YAY!!!!!

Marie and I did a Wide Awake guest post for Cutie!

GO HERE GO HERE GO HERE!!!

(I am a little bit excited)

Marie and I are tit for fucking tat, just like she said. ;)

Dear Lord, that ass...

2009-07-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

I don't post much lately. It is because my life is freaking insane. I am sorry! I love each and every person who comments on my blog. You are all ten shades of awesome!

Anyways, so, this picture made my life complete today.

"This really never happens, you can take my word..." What? I was just singing a song.

*sigh* Yes. Dear Lord, that ass.

I saw this beauty not 15 minutes after completing what there is of Answering Bell. (Does anyone under 18 read this blog? I fucking hope not. If so, DO NOT click that link. I'll tell your mom.) So ummm... Edward in that story SO IS ROB (Cutie, I know you agree!). And he is FUCKHOT (go away underagers! I say fuck and read smut!). And it is happy. And then I stared at his ass and went like this:

*THUD*

EtomyB is no longer available. Her brain has disintegrated. Please leave a message in the comments.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Oh right, and I got that beauty from Robsessed

Hubby learns more about the depth of my obsession... and I am once again shocked

2009-07-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

We all know that my E is painfully aware of my obsessiveness, and is oddly okay with it.

He has watched Twilight with me enough times to be able to recite lines whenever possible.

He sets up the world's most glorious Pocket Edward photo ops and then takes pictures for me.

This? Entirely E's idea.

He has said, and I quote, "I'm exited for the new Twilight movie." (this is because he thinks the werewolves are going to be "actually really cool looking", but we'll just forget about that)

But today's incident really blew me away.

You see, the hubby has always been fairly "cool" in my eyes. Go ahead and think Bella/Edward on this, I don't mind. I find him to be way more awesome than me, similar to the way Bella thinks of Edward. (why did I name my blog "Edward to my Bella"? there are multiple similar reasons... but I digress...)

So, he is the coolest and I know I am pretty damn dorky. Thus, in situations where I know I am being dorky as hell, I tend to want to hide it from him. But that always makes me feel bad. Because who wants to do that?

This brings me to the event.

B is commenting back and forth on Facebook with Iadorepugs at home on lunchbreak.

B: *status update* "B just summed up my day nicely."
Iadorepugs: *comment* "WA ch 50???"
B: *comment* "NO!!! *fingers in ears* LALALALALA don't tell me about it!!!"
E: "What's WA?"
B: *facepalm* "NOTHING!!!"
E: *huffy pout*
B: "It's just a STORY, okay?"
E: "What story?"
B: "I can't tell you!!"
E: *hurt look*

B returns to work, feeling upset that she refused to tell E something, even if it is as retarded as "I read FANFICTION. All the goddamn time."

Later, B and E go out to dinner with a friend, and B gets unfortunately and accidentally quite buzzed. On the car ride home, more discussion occurs.

B: "Do you want to know about the story I wouldn't tell you about earlier?"
E: "Yes."
B: "Have you ever heard of fanfiction?"
E: "Are you serious? Of course I've heard of fanfiction."
B: *slightly astonished* "Really?"
E: *sounding surprised* "Yes..."
B: "I just didn't think you would have heard of it... I didn't until I was obsessed with Twilight."
E: *snorts* "Obviously you have never been a fanboy before."
B: "Stuff you like has fanfiction?"
E: *sideways pointed glance* "Star Wars?"
B: "REALLY???"
E: "Seriously? Star Wars only has the biggest fandom ever."
B: *happy drunk smile* "Well, we were talking about a Twilight fanfiction. Everyone who's anyone has read it."
E: "I haven't read it! I AM everyone. I am the all-singing, all-dancing..."
B: "I know, I know."

Dear God I love that man.

WIDE AWAKE!!

2009-07-16T23:01:00.000-07:00

This is what Wide Awakeward looks like in my brain... *drool*

Hi, my name is EtomyB and I like Wide Awake ~~almost as much~~ OK fine, just as much as I like Twilight. For some reason I really like this:

Shhh... don't tell!!!

In honor of everyone who is anyone rereading Wide Awake right now (seriously, if you're not reading you are a nobody, despite what Art may tell you!), thanks entirely to the amazing Cutie, I recruited two of my favorite people to help me create....

A WIDE AWAKE PLAYLIST.

Because it is that awesome.

I believe Cutie, Marie and I have created something superbly amazing.

The first three are mine (if you couldn't tell... "This chick is obsessed with 3EB. That's so 1997." I know! SHUT UP!)

Anyway, let's get to some explanation.

"Narcolepsy"- Uh, have you READ Wide Awake? If you don't get this, go read it now. kthanxbye

"Make damn sure" - this is Edward to Bella during/after the whole him leaving debacle... "I just wanna break you down so badly, in the worst way, I'm gonna make damn sure that you can't ever leave, you won't ever get too far from me" etc. And "You are red, violent red" -Red Bella anyone??

"Wounded"- uh, hi. "The guy who put his hands on you has got nothing to do with me"? "I never claim to understand what happens after dark, but my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of touching you"? Yeah.

The next three songs are the lovely Miss Cutie's fucking genius (so begins the Wide Awake mouth).
"You've Got Her In Your Pocket" - "You've got her in your pocket, and there's no way out now" SOOO Edward to Bella in the same way as "Make damn sure" above.

Cutie's more eloquent explanation: "The ultimate song, the one that makes me think of WA the mostest, is You've Got Her In Your Pocket by The White Stripes. Edward is desparate to keep his Bella. He longs to keep her to himself. It is his home, his everything and he feels that he is simply lucky just to know her.He is scared shitless that she will one day leave. Truly this song kills me every freaking time!"

"Sick Boys" - WIDE AWAKEWARD'S THEME SONG and I love Cutie forevers. The end.

Cutie's thoughts: "Sick Boy is very much Wide Awakeward to me. He's that bad boy every girl wants but who doesn't give a fuck for anyone (or so he pretends). And HELLO the song says "sick boy black leather jacket scene!" Perfection, no?" - Yes!!

Leather jacket... mmmmm

"Angel's Wings"- oooh wtf just listen to the damn song.

Cutie's more intelligent things to say: "Angel's Wings for me is Edward telling Bella he's going to take care of her. I can see the two of them together, Edward just listening. This song could even be Bella being there for her Edward, the both of them getting over all the crap."

Marie the Lovely Twinsie also kindly picked some songs! I'll just let her tell you about them:

"I made these three song choices because of the words within each song. To me, they represent different aspects of Edward and Bella's relationship, as well as their relationships with other characters.
For example, when I hear Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine I am reminded of not only Edward and Bella's love, but also the concerns the other characters had in regards to their relationship. Particularly Esme's character comes to mind above all others. When she first became aware of this bond between the two, her first priority was to put a stop to any and all communication between Bella and Edward.
The song I MOST relate to Wide Awake is Everything by Lifehouse. I honestly have a difficult time holding the tears back when I listen to the lyrics, it's as if this song was written for these two characters. I will end with and excerpt from Everything, and if you have read WA, then this will really hit home:
"You calm the storms
You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
When you take my breath away
Would you take me in deeper now""

Uh, so... that is pretty much it. Listen to this and go over to Cutie's blog. DO IT NOW!

<3>

my family is loco

2009-07-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

Tales from the Family Reunion

Shadesward is so glad it was foggy as hell all weekend.

I give you... the insanity that is my family in relation to Twilight. I love them.

MY MOTHER
On her way to the beach, sends me a text message:
Mom: "Glad it's sunny so Cullens don't get us when we go through Forks."
B: "LOL thank God for that"
Once arrived, lugs a (gift-wrapped, mind you) case of beer out of her car and instructs me to open it. What is this? Oh nothin'... TWILIGHT ALE.

They are impressed... I can tell
HUBBY DID THIS. I take no responsibilty. Shadesward is either a horndog or a closet hairdresser.

MY UNCLE
B is drinking coveted Twilight Ale when Uncle comes to ~~bother her~~ grace her with his presence:
Uncle: "Is that vampire beer?"
B: *giggle* "Yes."
Uncle: "We always stop in Forks on the way here. Do you know, everywhere you go in that town is covered in Twilight?"
B: "I may or may not like Twilight... and yes, I AM AWARE"
Uncle: "I don't even know what it is."
B: *collapses into uncontrollable laughter*

MY GRANDMOTHER
B shows Dad the picture of PE in the mini-tent, and Dad laughs hysterically.
You know, this one.

Mom: "I could have gotten you one of those the other day!"
B: *gasp* "EDWARD NEEDS A TENT!"
Grandma: "Who's Edward?"
-stunned silence-
Mom: "You should go get Edward and Bella to show Grandma."
B: *beaming with pride* "Okay!"
moments later...
B: *takes Shadesward and Bella/Alanis out of sweatshirt pocket* "Shh, it's a secret. I don't want everyone to know I'm crazy."
Grandma: "You're not crazy... Oh, the Twilight people!"
B: *giggles and nods furiously*
Grandma: "You know they broke up."
B: *defensively* "Who?"
Grandma: "These two..."
B: *interrupting* "Rob and Kristen were never dating."
E: *snorts*
Grandma: "Okaaay... But has he taken a bath? Ew. That Indian boy is so much more attractive anyway."
B: *shocked and horrified gasp* "Uh... I should tell you, he is 17."
Grandma: "Well, I'm 69. That sounds just about perfect to me."
B reclaims Shadesward and Orangella and grumbles to herself about how all the women in this family are ten shades of Team Jacob crazy.

MY COUSIN
B and cousins are getting all kinds of drunkies at a casino on Jager. (Note from the present: this was a BAD CHOICE) They are dancing with old people to 50's music. SWEET.
B does not remember how Twilight came up in the conversation... I told you Jager was a bad choice
Cousin: *yelling* "OH MY GOD, I LOVE TWILIGHT!!"
B: *extremely excited to point of explosion* "REALLY????"
Cousin: "YES!! I love Edward so much!"
B: "Do you want to see.... my secret?"
Cousin: "Secret? Yes!"
B: *reaching into purse dramatically and pulling out Shadesward* "Okay!"
Cousin: *grabs Shadesward roughly* "WHERE DID YOU GET HIM?!?"
B: *cringing for poor Shadesward's bouffant as Cousin strokes it lovingly* "There's a Twilight store in Port Angeles."
Cousin: "REALLY?"
B: *wondering if this is how Rob's eardrums feel* "Yes, really."
Cousin: "That is so cool! I want one!"
B: *reclaiming Shadesward and replacing him in purse* "I love him."
Cousin: "Me too..."

My family is freakin' psycho. Must be where I get it. To top it all off, we passed this on our way home today:
Apparently this is the Twi-mobile of the Twilight music girls. I have not checked them out yet, but I plan on it, because their license plate says FANPIRE and I may or may not be jealous.

Me + Beach = Happy

2009-07-08T17:34:00.001-07:00

But a tiny bit sad, because I will be gone from blog-world for a while. *tear*

I probably won't even take my laptop, because the beach is calling to me and I just want to sit on it and read forever.

I love you, lovely Twi-friends! I shall "see" you next week and will likely be Tweeting once in a while as I sit on my arse in front of the Pacific Ocean this weekend.

You better believe there will be some photos of the amazement that my loving mother sent me for my b-day when I get back! Here's a little preview:

Shadesward... you are my life now
Bella demonstrates that her skin is the same color as my dog's favorite ball

Old Skool PE: "STEP OFF DUDE! That's my girl!"

Me: "Edward... he has Ray-Bans. And a head that stays attached. You have zero chance."

I loves you friends. Oh, and I apologize if I get kinda tipsy and end up on Twitter this weekend... it's a family reunion. You understand.

<3

I try my hand at videos.

2009-07-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Because it seems like such a fun thing to do...

Please ensure your seat backs and tray tables are in their upright and locked positions.

READY-SET- HIT PLAY!

I own absolutely none of this, (especially not the hottie featured) and I have no idea where I got it all.

Things I own that contributed to the making of this video:

-Hormones

-A copy of "Sexy Stars of Twilight"

-My laptop

-My internet service

Hope you like it. <3

p.s. thank you LOVELIES for the B-day wishes!!! Here is some joy that I recieved!

From glorious amcas, who knows how I love Art

From the lovely sjAimee, who knows how I love WetRob

Stuff I do/say when under the influence is usually crazy and often Twilight-related.

2009-07-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

Play this while you read. You'll get it soon enough.

AKA: Here is how I spent my fourth of July, when I wasn't singing my blasted head off to "Mr. Jones" or almost rolling down the hill I was watching fireworks on when my hubby and his friend would not stop singing "Motherlover".

Before the ~~ridiculous amount of drinking~~ festivities began, I happened across something my beloved father left at my house the last time he visited and could not resist the photo op.

Edward, you better behave around the pops. He also owns a rifle.

The guests began arriving soon afterwards. Edward sat in his newfound home (Casa de Vitamin R) and greeted people politely, until I hurriedly put him back in his Special Bandana in my purse when people who didn't know (yet) how crazy I am started showing up.

Pocket Edward's official home:

iPhone, sparkly sunglasses, Pocket Edward burrito... what else could a girl need? Oh, tissues, blush, random papers from God-knows-what... Yeesh, let's stop analyzing the contents of my messy purse and move along here!

At this point, Iadorepugs, myself, and the friend I shall refer to as "The Instigator" (she loaned me her Twilight book all those many months ago) were having an MJ dance party in my living room in between chocolate cake shots and giggling "coded" references to fanfic ("Oh, we like ANYTHING that has to do with lemons!"). The new arrivals probably thought we were insane already. And, Iadorepugs and I had to educate The Instigator on what "lemons" meant. Ugh... clearly she has not kept up in the Race to Insanity. Much of the night becomes a blur after that, but I hear that I showed Iadorepugs my phone wallpaper and then LICKED the phone at one point. (It was the "Happy Place" on the side there- you would have licked it, too.)

I do have some photos to remember the night by:

I recall fearing PE would melt during this shot... hmmm. Too much drinky? Sober Me thinks so. He emerged unscathed.

PE channels Rob and takes up smoking. As did I, apparently. My throat still hurts.

One last thought on this night. So, it seems that I shared some deep thoughts with Iadorepugs regarding my new Team Edward shirt and why I didn't really want to wear it in public. I had to get photographic evidence on this one so you'd know where I was coming from here.

Classic Myspace comin' at ya! And I need to clean my mirror.

Drunk B: "My uterus is Team Edward!"

Just like Bella's... until page 351 of Breaking Dawn. Yes, I looked that shit up.

The next morning, I discovered I had changed my status on Facebook to "gettin dirrty" when I broke out the Xtina in dance party mode, and decided my theme song should be "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit.

Don't let me drink several shots and several beers in one night, OK friends? Unless you want really random things to come out of my mouth/keyboard... OH, I didn't even mention Twitter! Oh well, you were there.

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

Pocket Edward demonstrates our plans for the day:

"Step away from the grill, B... I don't want to have to bite you when you have a 'Bella moment' and set yourself on fire"

Who wants to make bets on how many shots it takes for me to start talking Twi/Rob in front of my husband's friends? I will have two fellow Twitards in attendance, one who will try to shut me up and one who will no doubt encourage me *cough*Iadorepugs*cough*.

I wonder if the hubby will move my "one Edward poster" before his friends arrive... I gave him permission, but so far it hangs proudly in the dining room next to the back door.

Have a great 4th!

Go listen to some awesomeness.

2009-07-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

Click here----> Cuteangiek is brilliant.

You'll thank me.

*sigh*

Oh New Moon... how I love thee.

This is what happens when I spend too much time looking at Rob pics.

2009-06-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

(Not that, you dirty bird!!)

I make stuff.

"That's what happens... those are the consequences."

Sometimes Facebook quizzes know more about me than I feel comfortable with.

2009-06-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

All I gave you was my WEEK OF BIRTH, dammit! How do you know these things???

Copied directly from FB:

B completed the quiz "What does the week you were born say about you?" with the result The Week of the Unconventional

You appear to be normal but are attracted to the unusual and bizarre. You let few people into your secret world. You can be wacky and zany and have a wilder side that only close friends get to see. You are a collector, reader, and movie watcher and are drawn to the dark side of human experience. It is hard for you to control your desires and you can become obsessive. You often retreat into your own world, you value your privacy and your home is your sanctuary. You ask little more then to be left alone but you are a great deal of fun for your close friends and family. You are sensitive, thoughtful and caring. Strengths: Fantasy Rich – Fun – Psychologically Astute Weaknesses: Self destructive – Obsessive – Embarrassing .

SRSLY. Come on now.

What secret world? I just like action figures...

WHAT THE HELL. This quiz knows me a little too well.

What Monday blues??

2009-06-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

Why does today ROCK SO HARD?

Many reasons.

1. I watched Twilight for the first time in six weeks.

I think I was slightly desensitized to the charms of the Robward when I was watching it an average of once per week. I wouldn't have thought that possible, but I guess if Edward can become desensitized to Bella's blood, I can become desensitized to Robert's hotness. How do I know this? Here was me:

"Oh. My. GOD. How is this possible? How can one person be so retardedly SEXY?? This is ridiculous! I don't think I acted like this the last time I watched this..."

*THUD*

Esme: "Edward's very fast."

My brain: "O rly? Hmm... that is interesting..."

*chokes on drool* COUGH COUGH COUGH
"OMG. I think I seriously just choked on my own drool. Robert... I blame YOU."

(Here's hoping he's not TOO fast, ifyouknowwhati'msayin)

As always, screencaps from here

2. The Eternal Question has been answered.

"Boxers or briefs?"

Oh yes. Thought you might be a boxer briefs kinda dude.

My thoughts about this photo are extremely inappropriate.

Everyone has this pic all over the damn place. Who had it first, I wonder? Well, whatev. Go here or here (amcas rocks!) for more funsies.

3. Death By .gif

Go look at this. You won't be dissapointed. It includes this sort of thing:

... only there is motion involved. Yup.

I knew I liked you, Tasha.

Last but most certainly not least...

4. I like this photo.

I found it here.

The answer is "YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!"

That is all... back to drooling over all the joyous fun I have found/been given today...

This pretty much has nothing to do with Twilight.

2009-06-28T23:20:00.001-07:00

But it makes me laugh, and you asked for it.

Plus, "I put Pocket Edward in the photo so it automatically has to do with Twilight!" - she screamed with glee.

PE looks WAY PISSED that I am making him do this right now...

Hey! "Frosted Sprinkle Unicorns" anyone? Oh it SO has to do with Twilight now!!

p.s. check the shiny effing curls. the end

The Precious...

2009-06-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

... I has it.

In my dining room.

Is that weird?

Why does my iPhone take such shiteous pictures? Sorry, too lazy to break out the real camera.

A long convo was had in the middle of Hot Topic before purchasing this today.

B: "I WANT THIS."

E: *laughs*

B: *pouting* "You wouldn't let me hang it anywhere."

E: "This is the rule: you can only have one Edward poster at a time."

B: "So I'd have to take down the other one?"

E: "Yes."

B: *frowning, holds up slightly ugly poster T-shirt* "I could get it on a T-shirt."

E: "There, you solved your problem."

B: "Nooooo..... I want THIS." *points obstinately at poster*

E: *laughing* "You know the rules."

B stares contemplatively at poster while E looks at band shirts.

E returns, carrying his new ODB "Obamacon" shirt and smirking to himself.

B: "I'm getting it."

E: "Okay. It's your choice!"

Later, at home, B hangs the poster in place of the previous, much smaller one while E is outside. E enters and B smiles mischeviously at him.

E: "What are you... OH. That's enormous!"

B: *snicker* "One poster."

Hehehehehehe.

Pocket Edward says farewell to Middleofnowhere

2009-06-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

I've driven past this sign every day for six weeks. I laughed every time.

Bella, this is you circa Eclipse. GET SOME JAKE BRAKES!!

That is all.

<3, *B

Why are you here?? Go to SSTB!!

2009-06-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Miss cuteangiek was kind enough to allow me to do a guest post on her most awesome blog!! Head over there for My Twilight Soundtrack Wednesday!!
P.s. Angie, there are no words to describe your particular level of awesome. I <3 you!!

Adventures In Living With People Who Aren't Twi-Crazy

2009-06-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

So, these kids that I am living with are effing crazy. They drink A LOT. I have been drunk more often here in the past couple of weeks than I had been for several months at home.

One of the roomies is reading the Twilight series for the first time. One has seen the movie, but that's all. The rest of them are like, "What? Who's Edward?"

Needless to say, some entertaining conversations have occured here. Friday night, which involved quite a bit of alcohol, was possibly the most interesting yet.

Roomie A: is reading the books for the first time
Roomie B: has seen the movie, refuses to read the books
Roomie C: "What? Who's Edward?"

In the kitchen, before leaving for the bar:

Roomie A: (turning to me) "So, I started Breaking Dawn."

B: *smirks knowingly*

Roomie A: "Yeah. It kinda makes me want to buy French lingerie."

B: *snorts* "Yes... I love that book."

Roomie B and Roomie C exchange a confused glance

Later, at the bar, a song I cannot remember now (I was drunk, ok?) comes on:

Roomie A: "DOES THIS SONG REMIND YOU OF TWILIGHT?"

B: "WHAT?"

Roomie A: "DOES THIS SONG REMIND YOU OF TWILIGHT?"

B: "WHAT?"

Roomie A: "NEVER MIND!"

B: "OH, DID YOU SAY 'DOES THIS SONG REMIND YOU OF TWILIGHT?'"

Roomie A: *smiles and nods*

B: "I WAS JUST THINKING THAT!"

Roomie B shakes head

In the car, on the way home (Roomie A is completely passed out in the backseat):

Roomie B: "B, were you guys talking about the Cullens at the bar?"

B: *Looks up from Tweeting @cuteangiek and @peterfacinelli on her phone* "Um... what?"

Roomie B: "Twilight. You guys were talking about it at the bar."

B: *snorts* "Yep. We were talking about a song that reminded us of it."

Roomie B: "You guys..." *shakes head*

B: "It's pretty much my topic of conversation 80% of the time."

Roomie C: "What were you talking about earlier? French lingerie?"

Roomie B: "Yeah, what kind of smut are you reading?"

B: *snorts again, thinking of fanfic* "You have no idea."

Next morning, B is still in bed and hears the roomies talking in the kitchen. Roomie B and Roomie C are repeating the "French lingerie" interrogation on Roomie A.

Roomie A: "It is DEFINITELY NOT smut!"

Roomie B: "Suuuure..."

Who knew I could categorize my classmates by level of interest in Twilight? Apparently I can. It's been fun, but I will be soooo glad to live in my own house without a zillion and a half people running around.

PE is ready to go home and face ~~the puppy~~ perilous giant wolves again

I believe the appropriate sentiment is "OME!!!!"

2009-06-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

I came home to this email in regards to my Pocket Edward photo entry:

OMG that is FABULOUS!!!!!! You are so in the top running right now - way to get creative, and just exactly what I hoped to see!!! Rock on!!!

Photo submission ends on June 30th, I'll keep you posted, thanks for entering!

Be Safe

WOOT!!!!! OME... I am currently beside myself with joy.

"Let's do this, yo"

GO LITTLE PE, GO!!!

Pocket Edward Contest???

2009-06-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

This is a letter in reference to this article from my hometown newspaper.

Dear Dazzled By Twilight store,

I love you. I do. You are a magical land of Twi-swag that makes my eyes glaze over and my wallet fall open of its own accord. But, I have a problem right now.

WHY ARE YOU DOING A POCKET EDWARD PHOTO CONTEST NOW?? WHEN I HAVE NO WAY OF GETTING TO YOUR STORE?? AND YOU HAVE NO MECHANISM OF INTERNET SUBMISSION??

Okay... I know why. Tomorrow is Mr. Edward Freakin' Cullen's supposed birthday. So, you are having a lil' party and telling people to bring their PE and/or Cardboard Cutout E pics (the cardboard cutout wigs me out a little, btw). But COME ON!! I have been anticipating this ever since this day. I am saddened.

Srsly, are some of these not freakin' amazing?

Bahaha! He sparkles... accidental genius of my camera flash

So, although I know there are some AWESOME Pocket Edward photo-geniuses out there, I really just wanted to enter your lovely contest just to do it. Sad face from me to you.

I still love you, though.

Love, *B

P.S. - as I was finishing writing this, I got a message from my MOM offering to submit a picture for me!! What should I have her submit??? PLEASE HELP lovely blog friends!!

I am tired of thinking about this. So...

2009-06-18T19:20:00.001-07:00

...here is a playlist to explain my thoughts. Especially the Placebo song.

please go here and especially here if you don't know why.

A Tale of Two Obsessions

2009-06-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

"Hey, EtomyB," you may ask, "what have you been up to in your free time lately?"

You may not ask that, but that's OK. I'll tell you anyway.

You see, I used to play The Sims a lot. You might even say I was obsessed with it. When it first came out, it sucked up all my free time. Same with The Sims 2. Strangely, I didn't hear about The Sims 3 until, like, 2 days before it came out, and I didn't CARE very much. I was mildly curious about it, but I wasn't foaming at the mouth to go and purchase it immediately. Hmmm. I blame Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment.

And then... I got an idea.

My favorite book ever in the history of the universe has always been Gone With The Wind. One lazy weekend day, I got a wild hair and created an entire GWTW world on The Sims 2. It was super-de-looper funsies. I was remembering this as I watched a Sims 3 commercial, and that was when my idea hit me.

(you know where I'm going with this by now, I have no doubt)

I purchased The Sims 3 a couple of days ago. It has A LOT more features than I am used to, so I'm still getting the hang of it. I will definitely be remaking the Sims that I have already made, because the Looks editor is both awesome and kind of hard to get the hang of. But, here are some screenshots of my first 2 Sims.

This Sim is named Bella Swan. What a coinky-dink!
Please admire the personality traits (click picture to make bigger). I wanted to make her a Loner too, but teenagers only get 4 traits. Laaaaame-o

Here is Bella Swan's father, who happens to be named Charlie
Again, admire the traits... Heavy Sleeper *wink*. Methinks I shall have to download some flannel. These wardrobe options are sorely lacking. I wonder if I can download Vitamin R?

My Alice-sense tells me I am going to be posting about my little Twi-sims more in the future, because I am wacky like that. I CAN MAKE MOVIES OF THEM. Who wants them to do awesome stuff?? Huh?? They will, oh they will... but it's gonna take me forevers, because A) I don't have the time to do this shizz all day and B) I am a perfectionist.

Someone out there must appreciate the joy of Sims! Comment, kthanxbye.

*B

p.s. I am not even attempting The Edward until I have this looks editor shit perfected.

Hold your Pocket Edward high!

2009-06-17T01:47:00.000-07:00

The World's Largest Mountain Lion

I have learned, at my ripe old age of... OMG it is my birthday in 3 weeks. I guess I am pretty much 26... Dammit, old age forgetfulness is creeping up on me already! Let's begin again.

I have learned that, above pretty much anything else, it is important to embrace who you are. If you don't do that, how can you be satisfied with anything you do in life? And you would miss out on so much- making amazing memories, doing things you love, meeting and connecting with awesome people. I have to admit I have been very guilty of caring too much what people think of me in the past and have missed out on a lot in my life. Do you want to know what I credit with catalyzing my change into someone who embraces who she is and lives life to the fullest?

Twilight.

Yup. I am completely and totally serious. I fell in love with Twilight and was sooooo embarrassed to let anyone know of my obsessiveness. I struggled with this for awhile, and soon came to realize that this situation was basically a metaphor for my entire life. I was always afraid of what people would think of me. I decided I was tired of it.

Don't get me wrong. I am by no means perfect, and have definitely not mastered this thing called embracing who I am. But I'm DOING IT, by God. And it's pretty awesome. Without doing that, I would never have met some truly awesome women who make my day with their comments, posts and emails!

Anyway, here it is: "The Day I Went Completely Off The Deep End" or, if you prefer, (and I do), "The Day I Decided I Really Didn't Give An Eff"-

Hold your Pocket Edward high!

In order to have PE "climb the clocktower", I am standing in the middle of a college campus holding him up in the air as high as I can.

If that's not a metaphor for embracing yourself, I don't know what is.

Hmmm... this post started out meaning to be funny, but turned out more sappy than anything. I'm OK with it.

Are you Team Robsten?

2009-06-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

I got that gloriously beautiful magazine cover here.

I have decided that I am Team Mystery and Controversy.

Why?

It's simple. The more people don't know what is up with those two and want to speculate about it, the more I am greeted by the most beautiful man alive at every checkout counter in every store I enter.

Plus, I'd rather not know if they were ever actually dating. It would just make me jealous. My pretend "on-the-side" relationship with Rob will not work if he has an official girlfriend. Somehow, it works when I have a husband, but that is beside the point.

That is all from me... What do YOU think?

WARNING: Shameless friend-plug below!

2009-06-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

Shameless plug, shameless plug...
Do you remember my Twi-BFF ? Well, she has had a little bit of awesome up her sleeve for a while now. She just started posting her first fanfic on FF! Which, to me, is: 1. brave as hell 2. superbly awesome and 3. um... more awesome. (p.s. - I like the word "awesome")
Her penname is Iadorepugs (um, she adores pugs). But, she also adores Twilight and horses, and she decided to combine the two into a story that has thus far been both fun and educational (! See, we are learning here). So, if you know a lot about horses, you'll love it, and if you don't, you'll love it AND learn stuff. BONUS.
Here is her description on FF for the story:
"My first fan fic. All human, canon pairings. Edward is a horse trainer in dressage. Bella becomes his working student. Will they each see that what they need can be found in the other? Rated M for language now, lemons later chapters."
(FYI, I asked when it was going to be "lemonade time", and she said "not for awhile"... something about developing the plot or some garbage... bah. - I kid, I kid! One cannot live on lemons alone!)
Here are a few of my thoughts:
-I think she's pretty awesome at writing the characters.
-She throws in a lot of little hidden references to Twilight, which I adore.
-I love, love, love her version of Bella. She's kind of an ass-kicker who don't take shit from nobody.
So, read it and review! Help a sister break into the world of FF!
The Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5120983/1/A_Stable_Romance
(catchy title, no?)

Thus concludes my shameless plugging. I wish I had the guts to put a story up!

*B

WTF?

2009-06-13T02:12:00.001-07:00

I have been contemplating a convo I overheard today for a while. Can someone help me out with this?
One of my temporary roommates was talking to her boyfriend on the phone, and I couldn't help but overhear the following:

Roomie: I really think you should read the Twilight series.
-pause-
I think you could identify with the main male character.

HELLO. How is it possible that a human male can identify with Edward Freaking Cullen on a meaningful level? Am I missing something? Is it because I had one too many Malibu-and-cokes tonight? WTF?

Srsly, unless he's like, adopted and has self-loathing issues or something, I don't really get it. Someone enlighten me.

Discontinuing drunk blogging now.

*B

The Roblist

2009-06-10T14:47:00.000-07:00

A playlist dedicated to this guy.

Holy shizz, but I love that freakin' picture.

I'm sorry, what was I saying?
Oh yeah, I was going to discuss my Roblist... but then I started looking at pictures of him. Uum... it's all pop 'cause pop songs tend to reflect the correct "mood". It's heavy on the Britney, I know, but ~~whoever writes her songs is~~ she's just so good at dirrty. Thank you cuteangiek for the last song... which works veeeery well! Yeah, just listen, my brain is non-functional.
I have a brain? Whaaaaa?... -thunk-

okay... leave a comment if you find my brain cells...

p.s. Womanizer b/c of this video

falling in twi-love

2009-06-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

Inspired by cuteangiek's post... as you can see, I have way too much to say for a comment to suffice. Read if you dare, it's a doozy.

I would like to tell a little story called "How I Fell in Love with Twilight (and Rob)".

I first heard of Twilight long before I picked up a friend's copy and was lost forever. Who did I hear of it from first? MY GRANDMOTHER. Yes, you read that correctly. My grandmother asked me if I had read it, and I said no. She suggested that maybe I would like it, and described it as "a book about a vampire that falls in love with a teenage girl- it's set in Forks!" I stifled a giggle at the Forks part. (see this previous post for explanation of why) I kept it in the back of my mind, though, since it sounded like fun.

I had all but forgotten about Grandma's book reccomendation when I started hearing about Twilight the movie. It seemed pretty overly hyped for a movie based on a book set in Forks. I... made fun of it a little. (I'M SORRY, TWILIGHT!!! REPENT, REPENT!!!)

My interest was really peaked around Halloween 2008. My lab partners at school were discussing what to wear to a Halloween party. One blushed and said, "I'm going as a vampire". The other looked at her quizzically and she explained that she was really into Twilight. She started trying to explain the plot with things like, "Well, Edward is a vampire and Bella is human, they fall in love, but he has a hard time resisting her blood... He can read minds, but not hers... Okay, this sounds really stupid when I say it out loud." I laughed, but I was intrigued.

One week before fall final exams, I was studying with a friend at her apartment. We, as usual, were getting more chatting done than studying. When I was about to head home, my friend asked if I had read Twilight. I told her I hadn't, but was curious about it. She produced her copy and said something to the effect of, "Do you want to borrow it now, or later? You might want to wait until after finals... if you start, you won't be able to stop." I scoffed. I reached for the book. I said, "I can wait. Just give it to me now."

Silly, silly me.

Getting into bed that night, I thought, "I'll just read the first bit of this book. I'm so curious to see what all the fuss is about. I'll read for half an hour. It'll be nice to read a relaxing book and go to sleep."

Riiiiiiight.

I was up until 4 am.

That Sunday (read: finals begin the next day), with Twilight long finished, I was again "studying" at the same friend's apartment. When I say "studying", I mean discussing the strange lustful power of Twilight's seemingly chaste kissing scenes and planning when we would go see the movie. At one point we decided to focus on our textbooks.

That did not last long.

A few minutes later, we looked up at each other. I smiled. She smiled. I said, "Let's just GO! NOW!" She snapped her textbook shut and we were out the door.

We had made this snap decision only a few minutes before the next showing, so we walked into the theatre just as the last preview was finishing up. We giggled giddily through the first part of the movie, like two schoolgirls half the age we really were.

Then... this happened.

What's your name, baby, what's your sign... oops sorry I am rapping.... Rob is making me rap. -Sigh- (screencaps from here)

My sanity went straight downhill from there. The rest of the movie was spent in giggles interspersed with inappropraite comments about a certain actor whose name we didn't know at the time. (WTF?? I KNOW!) After the movie, we went straight back to her apartment and looked up the soundtrack and "that Hottie McHotstuff who plays Edward". We determined important things, such as: 1. his name is not Hottie McHotstuff (aw, lame!) 2. he is legal (score) and 3. he was that guy in Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire that I felt disturbingly attracted to! (since I assumed he was way too young for me to feel that way) All systems GO for major celebrity crushing.

hi, i love you... kthanxbye

My friend had purchased Eclipse at the same time she purchased Twilight, on accident, meaning to get the first and second books. She was waiting until after finals to buy New Moon and continue with the series.

I was not strong enough to stay away from it.

I bought New Moon... thenextday. FINALS WEEK. Graduate school. Um, hi, I am dumb. I was good, though (mostly) and kept up with my studying. It helped that Edward left (gasp)- I was able to put the damn thing down a lot easier. I finished the book by the end of the week, and lust turned into love. I was head over heels for this fantasy world- everything about it (well, except maybe Jacob). Vampires, werewolves, star-crossed lovers, clumsy human girls who end up lucky as hell (Me please?), superpowers, endless suspense, sexual tension... BRING IT, MEYER! I borrowed Eclipse from my friend (trading her for New Moon) before the hubby and I left for Christmas break. I read it in the car, amusing him by snorting with laughter, yelling at Bella, going "Oooooh" and "Aaaaah", and screaming, "THE SHIT'S GONNA HIT THE FAN!!" Yep. I screamed that, at a book, in the car, with my hubby. He laughed at me... a lot. I did not care. I continued reading late into the night at the parents' house. I finished it the next day. I went on and on about my need for Breaking Dawn. I was forbidden to purchase it, due to upcoming gift-giving holidays. I bugged the hubby every day about buying it for me. Christmas morning came... and my own copies of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn were waiting under the tree! I squealed and hugged my soon-to-be-deserted-for-a-book hubby. I began reading, right there, in front of the Christmas tree. I was supposed to be going to visit my grandmother (the Twi-recommending one). Hubby peeled me off my chair when I was only a few pages in, knowing by now that if he didn't act soon, I would never resurface. I went to Grandma's, unable to remove my brain from its Twilight obsession (um... still haven't gotten that done). I tried to talk Twi with her, but she said she "got tired of it after the second one" because it was "meant for young people". True, but... COME ON!! I gave up and retreated into my mental calculation of how long it would be until I could pick up Breaking Dawn again. People kept wanting me to do things during the day (WTF, family!), so I logged another few late nights. I gotta say, I know a lot of people diss it, but I freaking loved BD with a passion. It was mythical creature overload and I was in Heaven. I whined about having to read Jacob's perspective, but it softened me toward him a little. When I finished, I was sad. I went online to search out Twi-ness, and discovered Midnight Sun on SM's page. I debated a bit, and then went "What the hell, it's on her official page" and read it covertly in the middle of the night (I was uber-embarrassed to be reading a story on the computer... and look at me now! COUGHfanficCOUGH), and holy shizz, was I ever in love with some dude named Edward. I started referring to Midnight Sun as "my fix" and "exactly my brand of heroin". (Note to Mrs. Meyer: Please, I am begging you... I'll give you my firstborn child... PUBLISH!!!) When I finished that, I read all the other little outtakes and whatnot on her site. Then I was finished, so I did what anyone else would do... I read the series again. I made myself go slower this time. I found that I had actually, really, truly skipped several pages of New Moon the first time around and not even fully realized it. (that's called my Edward-coma) I may or may not have had a watery-eye problem during that book. I began to like Jacob a little.

When I finished the books for the second time, it seemed silly to read them again right away... but I couldn't give up my Twi. Hence, the discovery of... fanfic. Now, that is a Supermassive Black Hole of time-suckage. I hid my fanfic obsession for quite some time. Then, I discovered Twi-blogs. Well, now that all my time on the internet was spent on various Twilighty pastimes... what the hell? I stopped caring if the hubby thought I was friggin' crazy. Now he asks me if I am "doing Edward" whenever I say I'm messing around on the internet.

I waited in line for the DVD at midnight with 12-year-olds. I'll do the same when New Moon comes out in theatres. I own three Twilight shirts, a Pocket Edward, and various other Twi-crap. I write this blog.

But, above all else, I FREAKING LOVE THESE BOOKS.

If you survived this novel of a post, I love you.

p.s. I have only read them twice, and not since... February I think? What is wrong with me??? Oh, I know! FANFIC.

Why I can't go to this store without giggling uncontrollably...

2009-06-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know?
HINT: fanfic!

PE says: "Hot, Now!"

I may be slightly obsessed with Twilight and Rob, or- why I am glad I have a tolerant husband

2009-06-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

So, I am away from home at a school-related-work-thing that is rather difficult to explain. Currently I have been here for 3 weeks and have another 3 to go. The hubby was here visiting me the last few days, and I came to realize (yet again) that I am very, very lucky to have him- who else would take my crazy in such stride?

Yesterday morning, while E was getting ready, I was drooling over the pic below on LTR. He walked out as I was saving it to my computer and said this (and I quote):

"Stop doing Edward so we can go get some breakfast."

"Stop doing Edward"? Does... not... compute... these words do not belong in a sentence together... *brain explodes*

We then proceeded to go about our day, which began with a trip to the local zoo. Well... that is just too good an opportunity for B to miss. So...

B: I have something in my purse we can take pictures of! *smirk*

E: *sarcastically* What could you possibly have in your purse that you would want to take pictures of?

B: *smirky-smirk-smirk*

E: You brought him?

B: OF COURSE!

"I recognize this creature... didn't we have an encounter at the beginning of a movie once?"

You may not be able to tell, but that is a spider monkey.

Then, we decided to do a little shopping. E wanted to go to a sporting goods store. He saw some of those mini-display tents in the window and remembered how I had been whining about no one seeming to have those anymore the last time we visited such a store.

E: They have those Barbie-size tents you were talking about.

B: YES!!!

E: *laughing* I don't think you will fit in one of those.

B: I want to take a picture of Pocket Edward in one!

E: OH. *more laughing, shaking head at psychotic wife*

"I'll take it!"

Then, PE went with us on a fun adventure in the park, and E stopped making comments or bothering to ask WTF I was doing:

PE says "Save a horse, ride a Swan"...(HAHAHA!!)

Action figure: $25

Boat rental: $15

A romantic afternoon with Edward Cullen: priceless

Today, before driving E to the airport, I remembered that the new Harry Potter movie would be coming out soon after I was able to return home. I decided to discuss this with E:

B: Do you want to go see the new Harry Potter in the theatre next month?

E: Sure.

B: Good. I think we should do an HP Marathon and then go see the one in the theatre.

E: Okay. I can handle that... but can you? I'm an experienced movie marathoner.

B: Oh, I will AT LEAST make it through Goblet of Fire. I'm sure of that!

E: *laughing hysterically* He is such a dork in that movie! He's like 13!

B: I'm surprised you knew what I was talking about!

E: Cedric Diggory... *dissolves into laughter*

He may be young, but he's no Sharkboy

I love my hubby.

Texts from Last Night

2009-06-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

*Spoiler -Free!! I am going to start labeling any posts that may contain spoilers for the movie, because I love my Twi-friends and I know some of you don't want to see them (COUGHAngieCOUGH).

FYI, Texts From Last Night is a very funny website. My texts from last night are funny to me, so I am posting them here... because I do what I want. (FYI these aren't really from last night, but that is funny to say so I am leaving it that way)

Convo #1, between me and my best real-life Twifriend, whom I shall refer to as TwiBFF:

B just got a new phone and texts TwiBFF to tell her about it.

B: Hey guess what, Rob and I are phone soulmates now
TwiBFF: What?
B: We have the same phone so obviously we are soulmates
TwiBFF: What kind? I want one!
B: iPhone!
TwiBFF: Of course the expensive phone. Nice!
B: I love it like a child

evidence of soulmateness! As you can tell this pic is not mine, but I won't bother citing it cause you can see where it came from and it's all over the damn place.

Convo #2, also with TwiBFF

Night of the MTV Movie Awards. B sits in Middleofnowhere, USA watching lame-o cable while TwiBFF sits at her house in their mutual hometown watching satellite.

TwiBFF: Wheeee. Goblet of fire on now. Young rob :)
B: On tv????
TwiBFF: yes
B: Prisoner of azkaban on here
TwiBFF: that was on before this
B: Evil time zone!!!!

Later...

B: Daniel radcliffe is kinda adorable
TwiBFF: yes he is

Later still...

TwiBFF: Rob looks hot!
B: Where???
TwiBFF: Mtv awards
B: Is it on now?
TwiBFF: yes
B: WTF... oh cause you have satellite!
TwiBFF: Yep, showing it live
B: Of course he looks hot. Like cannes hot??
TwiBFF: Only two short shots so far, but possibly. Casually dressed
B: And I am watching jailbait Radcliffe. Sigh
TwiBFF: He isn't jailbait anymore
B: He is on this movie. It disturbs me

Later still...

TwiBFF: Twi won best fight, rob and cam accepting
B: Omg suicide of hotness!! I won't be able to stay up, I know it. Please keep updating me! :)
TwiBFF: Okay will do

Later still...

TwiBFF: Rob got best breakthrough male performer
B: Hell yes! Ooh u r getting to watch him walk onstage a lot
TwiBFF: And recording it
B: U r amazing
TwiBFF: Takes a bow
B: LOL

Later still, after prolonged silence on TwiBFF's end...

B: I take it u haven't seen trailer yet
TwiBFF: No trailer yet. But twilight got best kiss
TwiBFF: New moon trailer in about 2 min
B: Omg! I want a breakdown
TwiBFF: Will do

~~An eternity~~ A few minutes later...

TwiBFF: Have seen trailer. OMG!!! MADE ME CRY! This movie is going to be fucking fantabulous
B: You cried at effing trailer?? Omg we will need so many tissues
(portion of convo removed due to spoiler discussion)
B (after learning what was shown): Holy shizz!!!! I will die. How are you still alive?
TwiBFF: I'm in a state of shock
B: p.s. Rob on my tv, goblet of fire
TwiBFF: Kristen got best female
B: Aw how cute they are award buddies
TwiBFF: Kristen dropped the award, classic!
B: rofl classic kstew
TwiBFF: Found it, (online version of trailer) posting link momentarily
B: She should be all "i had a bella moment"
B: Oh shit! Incapactitation awaits me
TwiBFF: She said something about being as awkward as everyone expected. Rp was dying laughing (RP being Rob... obvi)
B: Omg. Me love him long time
TwiBFF: Lol

~~Another enternity~~ A few minutes later...

TwiBFF: link is up
B: Shit
TwiBFF: go watch it

A few minutes later...

B: I die.
TwiBFF: you watched it
B: Yep. Rob is hotter than in twilight
TwiBFF: fucking fantabulous
B: I try not to cry in front of roomies
TwiBFF: more angsty
B: (blank) part is frig amazing
B: (blank) part is omg holy hell.
B: Dead. I am dead
B: (blank) has super creeptastic eyes
(spoiler part about tear-jerking portion removed)
TwiBFF: so it isn't just me, good
B: eyes water thinking about it
TwiBFF: yep
B: srsly. so many tissues needed

Some time later...

B: I cannot fathom this level of hot that rob has achieved
TwiBFF: Quote of the night
B: He's not real. Pretty sure he is really mythical
TwiBFF: agreed

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed participating in it.

p.s. TwiBFF wants to collaborate on the bloggy, but is too slow (AHEM!) in coming up with her own bloggy name so I made a temporary one up for her. So HOPEFULLY... SOMEDAY... she will have a cooler name... HINT... if you read this, you know who you are. (and I still vote for RPJIMP)

Pocket Edward says "That's what she said"

2009-06-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

I cannot make this funnier.

My Twi-friend says "Snicker... good for sore throats"

This is on a statue defining Latin medical terms, btw.

That's all I have. I was rendered speechless with laughter when this statue was pointed out to me, while I took the photo, and every time I look at it.

That's what she said.

*B

DBT: Death By Trailer

2009-05-31T20:55:00.000-07:00

I cannot stay up late enough to watch the MTV Movie Awards.
Lucky for me, many people have already watched it on the East Coast, and have posted...

The Trailer.

I found it first at New Moon Movie, of course, and it can also be found at Lauren's Bite, TwiCrack, and everywhere!

Um, okay. Discussion time.

1. "Kiss me." - Nice! I think Kristen does well here- Bella sees Edward is distant and is desperate. She pulls it off. Rob... yeah. He does good too. He does really good. Angsty Edward = death to brain cells. Rob... I love you. Did you know that? Oh wait, if you were actually reading my blog, you would DEFINITELY know that.

2. "You're my only reason for staying... alive, if that's what I am." - *faints*..........

Oops, sorry, I'm back...
So, did I mention I like Angstward, and that Rob does a REALLY good job portraying him?
I would also like to express severe happiness with his wardrobe.
That is all.

3. Jasper attack- HELL TO THE YES!!! (Holla for 'to the' phrases, Angie!)
I thought I was going to HATE Jackson's cheeseball hair, but it actually kind of works. I don't know how I feel about Esme's hair... I miss her old hair. Anyway, that's enough hair commentary.
Jasper "CrazyEyes" Hale = WIN
Edward "AssKicker" Cullen = MEGAWIN
Matrix-like flying in the air = I am in LOVE

4. Leaving. - Do I have to talk about it?
My eyes watered.
I choked.
I am not JOKING.
This is SAD.
I am watery and CHOKING over a TRAILER.
I am going to buy stock in Kleenex prior to this movie.

5. Laurent. - Creeptastic! Loving the crazy red eyes! Loving the uber-creepy way he talks to Bella!

6. Wolfboy. - Um.... (chants "Taylor is 17, Taylor is 17")... Ok I feel better now.
Let's ignore the disturbing hotness of 17-year-olds. (Can't... ignore... AAAAHHH!!!)
In other news, that wolf transformation was surprisingly un-lame. He looked like a real friggin' wolf, and he just kinda blurred into it. And the way they did that scene is so un-booklike, but I SO LOVE IT.

General overview:
-Rob is hotter than in Twilight (GASP!!), and for this reason, I am fairly sure he is actually a mythical creature.
-I don't want to talk about how hot Taylor is.
-Kristen... is moving up in my book.
-Wolf = awesomeness
-In love with birthday scene.
-Overall, joy. I have learned that I will need more tissues than originally planned, and possibly a pillow to muffle my shrieks of "AWESOME!!!" and "DID YOU SEE THAT??"

Please, please discuss.

Love,

*B

p.s. tell me if the damn thing works up there! I am a newbie at posting videos.

I need to stop.

2009-05-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

@cuteangiek and others who may be concerned: this post is ABOUT spoilers but does not CONTAIN any. (but don't click any links!) Sigh with relief and continue!

So.... I can't stop looking at the Italy reunion scene pics. Srsly... it's a problem. I have been excited about seeing that scene on the big screen ever since I read New Moon for the first time, and I CANNOT HELP MYSELF. A, it is my favorite scene of the whole series. B... Were you aware that Edward is shirtless in that scene and is played by Robert Pattinson? Were you also aware that Rob is kind of good looking? (HA! understatement of the century) Were you also aware that he has been working out somethin' fierce? Because, if you were not aware of these things... I don't have anything to say to you, sorry.

I did something horrible. I watched a video in which someone put together all the pics in order, so it very nearly shows you the whole scene. I told myself I would not do that. I did it. I freaking LOVED it. It looks like it is going to be AMAZING and I am going to want to have Chris Weitz's babies. Unfortunately I know now how the scene will be different from what it was in the book... and I LOVE what they did with it. I can tell that Rob has this shit nailed, and maybe even Kristen does too. (gasp, I said that)

As much as I am loving this... SOMEONE MAKE ME STOP!!! I want to have some form of surprise on Nov. 20th! Ugh... no more youtube videos, at least. I shall resolve myself to that.

Anyone have any tips? Is there a 12-step program for spoiler addicts?

Trying to peel my eyeballs off the computer screen,

*B

p.s.- Who's excited for the trailer on the MTV Movie Awards?? I am going to TRY to stay up and watch it. I want to so badly, but I have to get up so early the next morning! Damn you, MTV!!

p.p.s. I died reading this on LTT this morning. Kristen needs to read it. Now.

Pocket Edward Crosses the Treaty Line!

2009-05-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

"La Push, baby! It's... La Push!"

Uh, FINALLY, right? I know, I know... I am unforgivably slow. It's not a trait I am proud of, but it does permeate my entire life, so know that you are not alone if I annoy you with my lateness.

Anyways. More importantly! Pocket Edward continues his Forks(ish) adventures by crossing the treaty line to La Push!

PE's got the soundtrack blastin' on "Supermassive Black Hole"- his fave Drive Like a Cullen song

"Damn werewolves!"

"Edward, NOOOOOOOOO!! Get out of the sun!!!!"

"No vampires, eh? Even this sign has fangs!"

"I'm in ur rez, takin mah photos"

"NO DOGS ALLOWED!! Take that, wolves!"

"I shall pose contemplatively beside this interesting log"

Pocket Edward climbs mountains, did you know?

"Well, where are they? I'll show them aggressive..."

"Hello there! Surprised me in my super-secret tree hideaway..."

"Wonder how long I can stay in Quileute territory before my head gets ripped off?"

E's quote: "Pocket Edward says, 'Boys on the right, girls on the left!'"

"BELLA!! Don't jump!!"

"Oh fine, jump. I got connections with the Roaming Gnome, I can get cheap tix to Italy"

"Driftwood, cliffs, water... Why do I ever let Bella come here? Werewolves are only one of the danger magnet attractants!"

"Hello from La Push!"

Contemplating life... again...

Maybe PE should become a model, no?

Confused... "Who wrote that?? Wasn't me!"

"First werewolves, and now giant slugs? WTF!"

"That's all, Folks!"

And that is indeed all for Pocket Edward's Adventures in Twi-Land. Sad, I know. Maybe someone will take us to Italy someday so we can properly finish up this saga! You never know...

It is not, however, the end of PE's photo career! Not by far. Look out for him in the future!

Everyone rocks my socks. Seriously. I love you.